In my mind I imagined the day you would find out
And all summer long, I held onto it
In my mind
I would explain to you all that happened
And the bravery it took, and just how strong they were
Why she wasn't there on Wednesday nights anymore
And I imagined
That you would be shocked, but understanding
And I'd tell you all these stories
And you'd be proud of your friends
All summer, I would hear news, and think of the day
I cannot wait to tell him everything

I fell through the floor
And some days I am still falling
I wake up in a sweat from a dream of her death
And she isn't even my mom, but she's gone
And I'm choking on every afterthought
I see it, I see it, I see it, I see it
I close my eyes but it's bleeding through
And her son has a lot of weight on one shoulder
I blink it away
It'll come back tomorrow

I remember when I was younger
I wanted to make a list of people who I was sure needed me
Her name was first
It was first
Well, had I made it, I would have scratched it off a long time ago
She's doing just fine without me
All of them are, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I cannot maintain anything, and I hate myself, and it crushes me
And I stare at my wrists and my arms and envision red lines
Over and over and over again
Mrs. Patton asks if being an introvert causes trouble for anyone
I raise my hand
I want to scream and run away
I want to cut off everyone
I wish I had never met anyone, because I get attached
Way too attached
And I connect to people and then I can't move fast enough and then they're gone and guess what?
I love them just as much when they don't want me as whenever they did
Nobody needs me
I linger

And I think to myself of my future
And I realize there's nothing there
I don't want to be anything
I cannot be anything
I want to be married, and then what?
My life is wasting away
And for heaven's sake, I cannot see straight
I cannot see
There's nothing there

Only Rebekah understands, and she lives an hour away
And when she comes back she just runs back and forth
Everyone at church wants her so badly
I understand
Do I get time with her?
Please?
I have to tell someone my life is falling apart
I cannot breathe
Please just don't let her feel like she's alone
She does everything, everything, everything
She should not be alone
She should not be alone

You asked if she was okay because you cared
You lived in the present because you were scared
You pulled at your hair because you got hurt
You've bags under your eyes because sleep is work
You can't answer their questions because you don't know
You stared at the ceiling 'cause you were alone
You rubbed at your heart because it was shattered
You sobbed in the shower because it mattered

When I was younger, and bad things happened,

I heard my mom and hers talking

About having to fit time to cry into their schedules

They always understood each other

 

One of them is gone now

And my mom tells me at the kitchen table

That she's scheduling time to cry later

We go in circles, don't we?

We just lose things along the way

swords

Algebra 2 test, I am ready to die
Can't hear a bloody echo but the screams in my mind
And I wish I could say sorry for my thousands of crimes
You're wearing Dad's old shirt to sleep and it's all only a lie

I'll come back alive to write on my grave
"Defender of the gossips and the kids who weren't saved"
I was the little girl who cared when you cried the night away
They're spitting venom at my heart, but it looks like lemonade

(I'm sorry)

Last year took a turn for the worse
I made it out alive, or so say the newspapers
But no one really asked, so I can't be all that sure
No one asks the questions to which they're sure they've got the answers

She dried his flowers and they're left in my room
'Cause I couldn't say goodbye, it all happened too soon
Steven's coming down the steps to comfort me and you
We're crying blood straight from our hearts and I think it's still pumping through

(It's over)

"Emily, it wasn't you, let it go," says the mob
But it's hard to let it go when someone else still holds on
Hard to imagine, isn't it? That the sword is still drawn
And I still feel it all over because the past isn't gone

Someone help me, my mind's a scary place
I know that she's gone, but I can still see her face
I'm blacking out now in the shower and I've got to escape
Because my brain still holds against me what I cannot erase

(Don't hurt me)

My older brother, and he isn't alright
But you figure no one is when you step into the light
We're hiding scars and silhouettes of the struggles in our minds
You wake up from another nightmare and they tell you that it's fine

Someone find me, someone find me today
I can't breathe in this ocean of unwanted space
I know they think that I am occupied from miles away
But I am begging for a lantern in this season of gray

(Please wake up)

And I won't see my sister at Fuze tonight
They tell me I'll forget, but it's branded in my mind
I'm just here to care about people and then be left behind
I wish that they could see the world from my set of eyes

Love, I don't know why you read this blog
I promise one day I will learn just how to move on
But I can't focus and my head is still saying there's something wrong
And I'm trying to be brave, but I'm not all that strong

(I'm sorry)

I'm doing chemistry instead of going to sleep
Someone remind me why I'm doing this, please
I'm coughing all night, a metaphor, I can't breathe
I just want to be loved, now my brain cannot see

And I try and I try just to get it all through
And I toss in my sleep 'cause I'm thinking of you
Where's my reason to live? I got lost in the moves
I hope Isaac can't hear me sob from his room

name

What if I lost my name,
What if it flew away?
I would notice it's missing,
But I wonder, would they?
No reason to go
Is a good reason to stay
Or it's the other way around,
So they say
But I make promises to the mirror,
And it makes promises back
Is it the words through the cell phone
Or through mouths that I lack?
Is it easy to screw up,
Or am I just good at that?
Do you cry out for help
With your head under attack?
I remember the days
When I saw it all through
Before everyone burst
And nobody knew
Are their eyes still closed,
Or am I out of tune?
Do they see that I'm screaming,
Or should I point that out, too?
You can't tell yourself
To stop bleeding
It stays with you like a song
I wonder how to keep breathing
I wonder what it's like to belong

Part II

My love, I look at the sky when I get home at night and exit the car
And I get so absorbed in all of the light and the shapes as I look at the stars
I always look for Orion and know he's taking care of me, just like you said
Because when two are apart they look at the stars so the distance might seem like pretend
One day we'll run away and catch the moon, right?
Much as I love this place, I wanna go
Maybe somewhere no one will have the chance to ignore us
Doesn't really matter, since with you I'm at home

There's this new Rob Thomas song on the radio,
It makes me wanna cry
I'm all for you, love, I'm sticking around
Long as I've got you by my side