In my mind I imagined the day you would find out
And all summer long, I held onto it
In my mind
I would explain to you all that happened
And the bravery it took, and just how strong they were
Why she wasn't there on Wednesday nights anymore
And I imagined
That you would be shocked, but understanding
And I'd tell you all these stories
And you'd be proud of your friends
All summer, I would hear news, and think of the day
I cannot wait to tell him everything

I fell through the floor
And some days I am still falling
I wake up in a sweat from a dream of her death
And she isn't even my mom, but she's gone
And I'm choking on every afterthought
I see it, I see it, I see it, I see it
I close my eyes but it's bleeding through
And her son has a lot of weight on one shoulder
I blink it away
It'll come back tomorrow

I remember when I was younger
I wanted to make a list of people who I was sure needed me
Her name was first
It was first
Well, had I made it, I would have scratched it off a long time ago
She's doing just fine without me
All of them are, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I cannot maintain anything, and I hate myself, and it crushes me
And I stare at my wrists and my arms and envision red lines
Over and over and over again
Mrs. Patton asks if being an introvert causes trouble for anyone
I raise my hand
I want to scream and run away
I want to cut off everyone
I wish I had never met anyone, because I get attached
Way too attached
And I connect to people and then I can't move fast enough and then they're gone and guess what?
I love them just as much when they don't want me as whenever they did
Nobody needs me
I linger

And I think to myself of my future
And I realize there's nothing there
I don't want to be anything
I cannot be anything
I want to be married, and then what?
My life is wasting away
And for heaven's sake, I cannot see straight
I cannot see
There's nothing there

Only Rebekah understands, and she lives an hour away
And when she comes back she just runs back and forth
Everyone at church wants her so badly
I understand
Do I get time with her?
Please?
I have to tell someone my life is falling apart
I cannot breathe
Please just don't let her feel like she's alone
She does everything, everything, everything
She should not be alone
She should not be alone