It's so lonely in a house full of people
A school full of friends
A church full of people who care
It's lonelier than if
Nobody was there

"You can't keep that inside," they say
Okay, okay, then where do I let it out?
Nobody wants to hear all this crap--
A blog, yes a blog is the place that I found
Right?
So to that kid,
You know that there's hope for this, right?
And do you know that I struggle at night?
Hoping that you'll do more than survive
Begging you'll see the meaning to your life
And I pray for the day when I look at your face
And see that you're better than fine
'Cause we say that we're fine
Everybody's alright, right?
Everybody wants to be alive?
Right
Check, now here we go, down my path of broken hearts
Do you realize, friend, those sad songs remind me of our start?
Do you remember where to start?
What you ended a while ago?
I can't blame you, I must have made it difficult
Well now we're all happy that I'm alone
Alone?
No
I am just a kid
Living among several thousand kids
And no one said it would be like this
But would I know what they meant even if they did?
No
There we go
Answering the questions as they come
So maybe now here's something I know
The thing I do with people is that I show them right away
Just how much I care for them, I express I'm here to stay
When I put people in front of myself they believe that it should be that way
But I can't be there for everyone always
And so they turn and walk
Away
Bye bye
To the loves of my life
For forever, it was nice
While forever lasted
It was time
Says one side of my heart
But the other twists and turns and doesn't
Know quite where to start
And another thing--
Stop flirting with my boyfriend
That Joseph is mine, girl
Go get your own perfection
Dude, we walk in holding hands
What part of that do you not understand?
I ain't stupid, back off from my man
And look at me now, so typical-- hey, I know where I stand
Alright, calm down, Emily
People are like that, don't take it too seriously
Try to be gracious, remember what mercy means
Just overlook it, don't have insecurity
None
At all
Wish I wasn't so selfish
Wish I didn't need validation to feel like maybe I'm selfless
So sick of depression
I'm tried of waking up tired and wishing for things like perfection
I'm never perfection!
Yet I can't remember that, and I try once again and
It's almost an obsession
Get good grades, say nice words, brighten up, sending all the right messages
But I hate being fake, so where does that come in?
I don't care if the world knows I'm struggling
I don't care if they notice me stumbling
I'm crumbling
Every day
And that's not gonna change,
I need a Savior, not a face
So where does perfectionism come into play?
In fact, I'm fond of my quirks
Wear this stupid green watch, like "get how this works?
"I'm a fashion catastrophe, but watch me be confident nonetheless!"
Like an idiot rebel in confidence
But hey, I got it in that sense
Which is something that most people lack,
So stop reaching for perfection, you never had it,
And if you did, you'd never get it back!
And I'm no hero, either
I can't save people from the demons that they store upon their shelves
And here is the other thing
It took me years to learn, but now I know, I can't save people from themselves
They look at me differently
Like maybe I hold the key
Or maybe that's just me, but please get away from me
Only Jesus can save you, and I'll kill myself trying everything
Everything
Funny how despite how much I love people
How much I would give my life just to know they'll live theirs
They jump to conclusions
They get into their heads and decide I don't care
What's wrong with me?
Do I come off like that to everyone?
Do my "how are you's" say, "hey, we're done?"
When I wave hello, does it tell them to run?
And how hard should I try, right?
How long do I give my life
To do my best to make it right?
We all used to be so tight
Why am I thinking about it tonight?
Right?
Answer that one for me, genius
I'd better stop, I'm getting delirious

restart

We're having Thanksgiving without the Arzes this year
Because our older siblings have thorns in their hearts
When I try not to notice, it tears me apart
When I open my eyes then the pain's off the charts
So I find "middle ground" 'cause I say I outsmart
I do it so often, to me it's an art
You say there are reasons, I only see shards
But do you see the reason I only see shards?
I talk like I've processed this shipwreck so far
But every fiber within me is screaming, "restart"

Love

And as I listen to this song
I know all the parts she pauses
All the parts she stops to swallow
Before they even play out

I can see her bent over the piano
Shaking as she records it this time
I'm glad I was put in this reality
'Cause maybe I never knew her in another life

I read her writing all the time
She types out words as they devour her brain
Everything makes me wonder why
Why did it have to be her?
All of this pain, all of this pain,
Why did it have to be her?

I'm singing along to the song,
Only a couple words off
I wanna tell her "hold on"
But everyone says that

I believe in purpose for everything
But as a best friend
Almost a sister
I keep asking myself,
Why did it have to be her?

I curl up on the wood instead of the carpet

Because my aching limbs tell me I can't stay here indefinitely 

And so says my chemistry 

Lying uselessly on the kitchen table

Playing the part of the rain that causes the landslide 

Because rain would not destroy a stable foundation 

Yet my mind is a mess, so my heart found destruction 

It's not like I'd be alright if I had no chemistry 

I just might not be in the fetal position on my wooden floor

As I type this

Hunger gnaws on my stomach

Helps to distract from thoughts like

Why do I keep hearing Wonderwall on the radio?

And I hope I make a decent grade on my test tomorrow 

Also, I wonder how often she visits him at the cemetery 

Baylie better not be taking a walk by herself in this lack of sunlight

I wonder who would show up at my funeral--

I suppose by now I have defeated the purpose of my hunger

Since I write about my nagging thoughts anyway

What's the point?

It always comes back to that question

I hate to see people I love in awful situations

Especially if person a is hurting because of person b

And vice versa, mostly 

My life is a constant cycle of not being able to rescue people from their own house fires

And then attending their funerals

Believing I could have tried harder

"Because maybe

"You're gonna be the one that saves me"

He did say "maybe," didn't he?

(Another brutal thought)

I have this unforgiving urge
As I clench my pencil
To drive the graphite
Into my temple

I know there's light
But I can't see it now
Tomorrow I'll be fine
Get through tonight somehow

I know there's a light
I feel I've gone blind
In the morning, I'll be alright
So keep that in mind
When for only tonight
I say that I don't want to be alive
Because really, I don't want to be alive

Just for tonight