I wish there was someone to blame.
But I'm caught up in all of my checkmates
Wondering why it doen't get better
Why there is so much at my stake
It's selfish to think like this, I know
And ask, "Why is all this happening to me?"
So I write it into a corner
On a blog that no one reads

"And he's been getting into trouble at school,"
She says between sobs, "because he's so angry.
"He's a smart kid I know, he's good."
And I'm crying
"He says 'It's worse for me, I lost my only brother.'"
And she's sobbing, she's sobbing
And she lost two in one year
And I wish I'd disappeared
And over a year later, I'm still crying
She walked with him on the way to the campfire
And I walked
She was just checking up on him, I'm sure
She was just clearing things up
Getting something out
And she explained that to me, it was fine
(Wished I'd died)
So delicate
It's all so delicate

Rebekah's leaving
And everyone is congratulating her on her scholarship
They won't shut up about it
Everyone's pretending
But I know she doesn't want to go there
Maybe I'm the only one
"Congratulations!  You get to spend quite some time at least four hours away from the other half of your soul!  You know, the man you love with all your heart.  The person who completes you.  But hey, free college!  Isn't it wonderful?"
Shut your freaking mouth, you moron!
She doesn't wanna go!
Shut up!
Well, I'm the only one who understands her
And she would never say she doesn't wanna go
She knows what she has is a blessing
She is thanking God
But even more, trusting Him
That's more than I could do
She puts up with it well
Until she starts crying on the car ride home from the Allen mall
And I distance myself by looking out the car window
And concentrating on the lines in the side of the door
Because I'm not gonna cry
Even though I'm losing the only one who shares my convictions and understands what I think and can help me get closer to God because she knows the way I think and loves and honors Him above all else and goes through similar things because she's a teenage girl too and oh yeah the fact that I'm losing her is just fine.
It would help if Ethan helped
He's understanding sometimes
But he mentions Connor or Nolan and I groan
And he goes all, "Why do you hate all my friends?"
And I get it, but it makes me want to punch him in the throat
Because I don't
And I am literally the only person defending said Connor or Nolan when my friends are around
Because they bash them
All the time
"No no, he's nice."
"No Emily, you're an idiot."
Okay fine.
Ethan is doing a good job
Just doesn't give me enough credit and goes over the top
It's fine
He's hurting, too

I pray for Mrs. Vike every night
She's almost like another mom to me
I love her
I pray for Shelby every night
She was touched when I told her
Said it was the first time
There's more I pray for every night
Nothing happens
I'm not losing faith, it's just hard on me
"Everything's hard for poor Emily"
Whatever.

I don't want him to lose faith if his plans don't work out
I don't want the fact that I'm emotional to make him shout
If I trust too much and then I get carried
If Mom and Dad had a fight that made me not want to get married
If I loved him for years that always still haunt me
If when I cry I think he'd never want me
If he saw me
What am I supposed to do with all that?
I mean, it's not like I'm gonna go turn my back
Maybe I love him too much, and made myself vulnerable
This could go either way, hope it goes beautiful

They keep saying things that I know hurt God
They keep watching things that I know are wrong
What kind of person does it make me if I say nothing?
Does it make me accepting, or afraid that they'd shun me?
No.
I'm not afraid.
Well, of course, I'm afraid they'll leave me
But if it's because of my beliefs
Screw them.
It does get awfully lonely
I know everyone isn't gonna see eye-to-eye with me
I just feel like they'd know some more about what's not right
Instead of brushing it off and saying it's fine
It's like I'm all alone
No one sees things like I do
Except Rebekah
And guess who's going to college soon
They just don't care enough
I mean, it's not like they'll all become completely perverted
But God told us to do everything in faith
And if it doesn't honor Him, it's prolly not, I'd venture to say
That's not foreign to them
Probably
I'm just trying to be a good friend
I mean, they know where I stand
But as far as they're concerned, it's just in the "naive" section

Trying.
That's me.
I'm always trying.
This afternoon will be better,
Tomorrow will be better,
This weekend will be better,
Next week will be better,
Summer will be better,
Next year will be...
Worse..
My pessimist side readily kicks into action to rescue me from all forms of hope!
Yay!
I'm probably the nicest bitter person that I know.
I'm not bitter at the world, this world is beautiful
I'm just bitter at...
Something...
Life is hard, but I know it's worth it
I just don't want to exist when people get mad at me
You should try hearing what goes on in my head when people get mad at me
You'd probably cry.
Actually no, you wouldn't cry, because you're just a blog
A lonely blog
That's okay, I'll be your friend

This was supposed to be somewhat poetic.
Maybe it was earlier.
I guess I've been holding in a lot.


Well, tomorrow will be better.