Part II

My love, I look at the sky when I get home at night and exit the car
And I get so absorbed in all of the light and the shapes as I look at the stars
I always look for Orion and know he's taking care of me, just like you said
Because when two are apart they look at the stars so the distance might seem like pretend
One day we'll run away and catch the moon, right?
Much as I love this place, I wanna go
Maybe somewhere no one will have the chance to ignore us
Doesn't really matter, since with you I'm at home

There's this new Rob Thomas song on the radio,
It makes me wanna cry
I'm all for you, love, I'm sticking around
Long as I've got you by my side

Part I

You know, I've still got our picture sitting on my desk
I know this hurts me too much, but I'm trying my best
I mean, what do you say to the knife in your chest
When you're not sure if the hand responsible is yours or your friend's?
We could've tried harder
We should've got farther
Maybe we would've seen the sun had no one tried to play the martyr
But I wait in my agony
As you don't even look at me
I'm trying to compensate for your lack of words,
But I just hear myself when I speak
Do you know that it's killing me?
Do you remember your Emily?
Did you forget we were best friends
And did I drown in all your history?
Do you even think anything went wrong?
I can't say.
Now my sister's reading my whole family a note that starts, "dear Mom and Dad"
Glad she decided to share with all of us, but she's leaving and it's sad
You know, I try to keep my head up
And I'm trying not to choke us
When my sarcasm slips out, and I sound too bitter
When I throw down my plans and I call myself quitter
I realize I'm crying out in pain
I'm screaming out for help
Begging someone else to save me
'Cause I know I can't save myself
And I'm relating to songs I don't want to relate to
I know everyone can say, "I didn't mean to betray you"
I'm sure they most all have the right, but that's not what I go through
I can't be much more than this, I'm sorry I couldn't save you
After the mission-treat, I thought, "I'm alright but it'll get worse"
Well, those thoughts echoed into the future and now they're thoughts I've heard
Because I watched how this plays out and I've got to say, it hurts
But everyone says everything hurts, so I'll just say there are no words
My brain tries to find a way to blame myself,
Because I'm so tired of being mad
I'm so tired of having anything against anyone who messed up bad
I don't want to look at the girl who used to be my best friend and think, "remember what we had?"
I don't want to fall apart in front of people that caused nightmares in the past
So I try to turn it inward,
Maybe it's my fault they broke up
Maybe I said something wrong to a friend
Maybe I left someone in the dust
And maybe I'll make a list of all the reasons I'm to blame
Maybe I was born a blonde and maybe people never change
'Cause you can't do that forever, it doesn't work
So you just stick it out and don't examine your worth
You start relating to The Fray, you're not ashamed you fell in love
You lose a bunch of friends and you keep your head up.

I miss you at four in the morning
My eyes hurt with tiredness
I get on this phone since my head's too awake
But no one's posted on their blogs, so here I am, love
I don't imagine I'll make much sense
All I know is that I miss you
I've realized that I haven't known true warmth till I've been in your arms
Because I can kill my shivers with blankets,
But not really
For when I do that, my head isn't on your chest
Your arms aren't locked around me
I can't look up into your eyes
And thus, I am still cold
It sounds funny to say
And it's funny how we sound so sappy
But maybe that's only to the people who haven't experienced this, you know?
Because I'm not going to stand here and deny that you are now my only source of warmth
As close as I am with four in the morning,
It doesn't stand a chance to you
And now I'm only writing this
Because it makes me feel closer to you
My should-be-sleeping mind feels sick,
Just wanting you to be here
Since I see you all the time
And we hardly get to actually just be
And just talk
I don't know what I'm saying, love
But I really miss you, and eleven minutes have passed
Eleven closer to when I can see you again

Pepsi

Swiping through my pictures to find some to delete
Because my phone is once again "running out of space"
Just like my aching brain
Boy, does it ache
I'm thinking about less than six months
What do you say to someone whose mother is dying?
What do you say when the someone is your closest friend?
Your childhood playmate?
Your writing partner?
Your support?
There are no words.
So I pray until my head aches
Singing with a trembling voice,
"You give and take away"
And I'm thinking about Alex
A whole lot
I wonder what he did today
I hope someone hugged him for me
I hope he got smiles
I hope people realize how extraordinary he is
But I'm still swiping through these pictures
Deleting some of the ones of my puppy
I get my storage back, we're good
Then I come across a picture of you
And I freeze
It's a blurry picture
The room is dark
You're just sitting there, drinking your Pepsi
Nothing really, if you didn't mean the world to me
But I stare at this picture forever
That's when I start crying, love
Because you love, love, love
And I don't know what I did to deserve it
I think about how others perceive me and I think about helping Baylie and I think about Mrs. Vike and I think about being a better friend and I think about Hannah and I think about if Alex is alright and I think about Shelby and I think about missing people and I think about Rebekah and I think and I think and the world crumbles around me, but as I look at this picture of you, all I can think is,
"My steady."
Because troubled minds don't call for grammar, and that's what you are to me
My steady
My consistent
God is my foundation, but He gave me you, and you keep me sane
And to be honest,
I still can't believe I have you
So my cheek is still wet from the tears
Can't help but wish that you were here
Don't you dare ever think for a second that you don't make a dent in my crazy sadness
How could I do this without you?
Please go to sleep soon
My steady, I love you