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Isn't it weird how something always happens?
We always have plans to be together
And something comes in the way
Right when I feel you're by my side forever

Maybe I feel that way because I'm a pessimist
Or maybe I'm actually right for once
Not that it kills us, we stick it all out
After all, not even death can stop true love

What's also weird is how I'm losing my sister
To confusion, to thinking, to college, to anxiety
It all slides in between the two of us
And I'm afraid they're a lot more powerful than me

Please don't fade away like she is
Don't break your heart on confusion and pretend that it's fine
Don't grow distant, don't let me lose you, look me in the eyes
And tell me you'll always hold on tight

Because we're past the sappy crushing stuff, and "oh please don't let go"
But suddenly everything around me is falling apart
And God is my hero, most of all, but I still need you
And your world is crazy too, so let's go back to the start

When Shelby didn't run away, and Ethan wasn't hurt
When there wasn't any tension between him and her
When my sister and your brother made stupid googley eyes
Just thinking about it, I'm starting to cry

When my best friend and yours didn't have to go through hell
When her mom didn't have a tumor, when she was in good health
When Rebekah's anxiety wasn't there and Alex wasn't going hours away
But we're stuck in all this chaos, so now I'm begging you to stay

Because nothing else in my life is constant anymore
Except my faith in God and my knees on the floor
It all blows around me, tugging on my hair
Like little Wendy Darling falling through the air

It's as though most of my nightmares are finally coming true
So I'm sorry for writing this, but I don't know what else to do
Tomorrow's only Tuesday, I hope I can get through
It's been days but feels like decades since I've been able to hold you







(So I'm trying not to scream at the ceiling
I've felt the hurt and disaster, now where is the healing
So doesn't it feel just a little bit off
That the people in these hells seem alright and we're not?)

Happy Love Poem pt. II

It got Hannah first.  The vicious beast chasing us killed her, but doesn't stop as it pursues us across the levitating hallway we sprint through.  At this point, I realize that Joseph has been separated from us.  I can't think about it too much, I only hope he's somewhere better.
It becomes evident that the only way out of this hallway is jumping from it at the exit, we are approaching. The ocean is below us, but there's a large rock the size of one's bedroom that we can possibly land on.
I wish I could say my heart is racing at this point, or that I'm full of adrenaline.  But I'm not.  I'm terrified, I'm in shock.  We leap from the hallway and land on the rock, and I know that we aren't going to survive this.  It's hopeless.
Baylie doesn't make it.  I don't know if she's killed by the monster or the fall, but she's gone.  Nick, Grace, Ethan, and I make pathetic attempts to avoid the beast's attacks.  But we know we're not getting out of this one.
There's a bamboo forest across the water a couple yards away, but alligators stand in the way, starting to climb to our platform.
"I'm gonna buy you some time," Nick shouts as water sprays up behind him.  "Ethan, just make sure to protect Grace."
I know he means long-term.
He launches himself towards the beast, struggling against it.  It works, we have more time.  Ethan protects Grace from the threats as much as he can, but... There's only so much one can do..
Grace is gone.
I don't know what happens, because the ground begins to shake violently.  I fall from the rock, down, down, until I don't know what's happening anymore.  Out of nowhere, I see that I'm inside of an old car, which is buried underground.
Suddenly, I'm flashed forward a day or two into the future.  I find myself with Rebekah and the Doctor.  He doesn't seem himself at all, however.  Probably too distressed.  Somehow I know that Alex has died, and we're here to find out how. Maybe.  We've come upon this large, vacant, parking garage filled with empty cars.  Old cars, too, looking like they've survived the apocalypse.
I discover Alex's sunglasses sitting on top of one of the cars.  I call over Rebekah and Eleven, and Rebekah picks up the sunglasses with a distant look in her eyes.  She and the Doctor begin talking quietly, and I wander off.  In a few minutes, I notice the car I remember being trapped in underground.  There are three bumps on the dash of the car, each blinking a green light.  Somehow I know that each of these is a voicemail from Joseph.  So naturally, I play them.
"Hey Emily, this is Joseph, where are you?  I got separated from the group somehow.  Are you okay?  Just give me a call back, when you get the chance."
"Emily, where are you?  The others are all dead.  I need to know where you are.  I love you.  Call me back."
"Emily, something told me to try one more time.  Please be alive.  If you are getting these, I need you to respond.  I love you."
All at once, I saw things playing out before me, though they weren't really there.  I saw Joseph on the phone, leaving the last voice message, sitting all alone without any sign of life around him.  The place in which he sat was desolate and post-apocalyptic looking, too.  After he left the message, he put his phone down and waited.  And waiting.  Then he put his head in his hands for a while.  Another moment passed, and he reached for the gun by his side.  I watched in agony as he placed it to the roof of his mouth and pulled the trigger.
Suddenly, I flash back to the current moment, and wake up inside the buried car, regaining consciousness.  I see the messages flashing on the dash and realize with terror that Joseph has just killed himself.  And there's nothing I can do about it.
The last thing I see is a bird's eye view of the scene.  It replays.  I see where Joseph sits, trying to call me.  Then I see the spot where I know my car is buried underground, not ten yards from him.  Then I watch again as he shoots himself, and I was only unconscious.








It takes me a long time to wake up from this dream.  Everything is fuzzy for a while, and I have a dream about telling my nightmare to Mom.  Then, thankfully, I snap out of it and sit up, hugging my knees and telling myself that he's still alive.

He's still alive.

You know what's funny is

How much I always worried about her

Now the footprints she left behind when she ran

Speak to me, saying

You were right, you were right, you were right

I see them a lot
Those hollow smiles and empty eyes
Of kids who secretly die inside
Keeping up some half-good disguise
Then they're gone
Leaving their images flashing across Facebook
And pasted onto telephone poles
With signs begging them to come home
It always hurts a bit inside
Reminding me of the few times
I've had to fight the urge to run
And leave this unappreciative town behind
Those are all the kids
That finally did
Leaving their parents in shock
And their best friends throwing up
Leaving their face all over the place
For me to see and stop and pray

But I was never supposed to see her.

You know why? Here's why
Because I introduced myself when she first came on a Tuesday night
Because she kept coming and because
She loved us and needed us and also because
She talked to me and came to me when something was wrong
And she always told me about her life
Even after we hadn't seen each other in a while
And because she was gonna make it and I was sure
She'd find her way
And because she wrote me a note in my journal
About how much she loves me and how much I mean to her
Yes, the very same journal that has a map of the world on it
Which is funny since logically speaking she could be anywhere in the world right now

And I try to tell myself that she is just hiding at some friend's house
Which is so possible, but so is a lot of other things
That I'm trying not to think about because that certainly isn't helping
But is anything? Am I? No, I'm certainly not helping
Two girls, yes, two girls I am trying to hold onto and shine a light for
Two teenage girls that I know needed help
And one completely falls off the face of the earth without a goodbye
And the other runs away from home, also without a goodbye
And the truth is that anything could have happened to either one of them
And I am lying safely in my bed because that's what I do
And what I don't do is make sure that she wouldn't have gotten to the point of running away in the first place
Because I should have said more
I should have done more
I should have said more
I should have said more

I hate every single car that isn't his
Silently willing it to drive away in shame
How dare you pass by in front of my window?
It's like they're playing stupid games

I had more to say

But I don't think I can word it



If I wasn't alive
She'd be happy tonight

I wonder if they ever hear me
Yelling at my wall in the middle of the night
Sobbing into the emptiness
And know their sister's not alright

I wonder if they ever worry
I wonder if that's the reason why
Isaac comes to hug me in the morning
When I'm still in bed a quarter to nine

It's why he asked if I was okay last night
Who am I kidding, he saw it in my eyes
No, my dear, I'm not alright
But I would never tell you, right?

Ethan comes to cheer me up with a frozen banana
He literally said, "eat it when you're depressed"
I guess being strong for them isn't working that well
I wish I knew I could say I was trying my best

But I'm sick and tired of her fake smiles
Something's always wrong, and I've failed as a friend
What's freaking wrong with me, why can't I fix this?
I'm losing my mind here, but I can pretend

I am always stressing my sister out
I'm sorry you have to drive us after Fuze, but I wanna see him
She tries to pretend that it isn't my fault
When you go to college, I won't be as big of a problem

Then there's her, the girl who fell off the face of the earth
Haven't seen her in weeks, I was supposed to see her every Friday
I try not to tell myself that anything could have happened
Even though anything could have, but it's no use to say

So I come home last night to another rule my parents made
Which wasn't that bad, but it still rubbed me the wrong way
Haven't heard from him, it's fine
I hardly slept last night

Give up on closing my eyes
Talk aloud in exasperation
I know why everything's so messed up
But that doesn't help my situation

"I wouldn't mind if I weren't alive"
But I won't say the words, 'cause I know it's a lie
"You've got a whole future ahead of you"
"Yeah, full of stuff that you don't want to do

Like putting your hands on a steering wheel,
Taking your drivers test, and a bunch of other tests
That determine your worth as a human being
Getting a job, paying tax, getting insurance--"

That's when it gets to the point
Where I have to tell my negative thoughts
To sit down and shut up, aloud
Then I close my eyes, it's worth another shot

Already prayed about it, God'll come through
Been out of enough Hells to know that that's true
But man, it just sucks, it really just does
Being emotionally impaired;
One day the rain will let up