All you ever tell me is that I'm perfect
You do anything for me, and I'm not even worth it
You put your arms around my heart
And don't know I'm the one that hurt it
I hate myself sometimes
I cannot live with this
A million things have gone wrong in my brain
And now I'm fragmented
And you leave me in my dreams
In my soul
In my head
I watch you walk away from me
Or like another one instead
Over
And over
And over again
And when I disappoint you it makes me wish that I was dead
Tell me
Don't tell me
That I'm your best friend
Tell me
Don't tell me
This is all in my head

If you leave me
Then I'll be afraid of everything



The Neighborhood 


This song shouldn't be listened to, I just heard this line.

The tips of my eyelids sting
From being washed so thoroughly

I'm sinking friendships

Is this all I do?

My lungs may fill
But I can't breathe
My eyes may close
But I can't sleep

my letting go

Hello sympathy
Tell me what you've got for me
Not sure I can take anything
That's when you give me everything

Hello sympathy
Come inside and plant a seed
Grow it till it's choking me
Grow it till it's choking me

I have a billion problems
Half of them aren't mine
It's taking too much effort
To keep on with this life

shirt.

And Friday starts.
You're in my veins
As well as things
I may not say
The sky is blue
The sun is out
I die to live
So show me how
A phone call here
I hit my knees
God, don't take her
Don't take her please
And he's in my brain
Often as he feels unloved
Oh my gosh, let me help you
You're hurting too much
If my best friend left him
If he made her do it
He's falling to pieces
And I can't get through it
And we're all stuck
Or maybe it's just me
But I have to take ten steps back
Just so I can breathe
You can't choke down forgiveness
The past has you caught
And I believe in you
Even though you do not
You won't let it go
And darling, it shows
Will you let me forgive you?
Will you ever know?
This life is a nightmare
And I'm wide awake
Did I get too comfortable
And forget Jesus saves?
The world is crumbling
And I keep on stumbling
On rubble from the past
The things that couldn't last
But if you would have asked
What would I have said?
Because I always was certain
That it was a yes
But now windows are shattering
And bad dreams are after me
And I'm not the one, you see
The one slowly dying.
This is the thought process that consumes me
When I'm cleaning the house
I kept myself distracted all day
Well, up until now
I just got out of the shower
And donned a new shirt
It smells like a hug
And helps with the hurt
He says he can't focus
Always beats himself up
Killing himself over
The things that he's done
And I can't find a language
One that would suffice
To put back the pieces
And change his troubled mind
And Hannah's gone
For quite a while
And Hannah doesn't
Like her smile
I keep the ringtone turned up
As well as my worry
Apparently, my only flaw
Darling, I'm sorry
I need something to hold onto
In this moment right now
My parents are gone
This is a house
And I can't talk
And I can't cry
I just stare
And hold my sides
And smell my shirt
The only thing
Right now that seems
To comfort me

I guess we're all one phone call from our knees.



Mat Kearney

Grasp.

My fingers absentmindedly trace the edges of the sofa at his house, and I wait with my sister for him to come back downstairs.  I walk quietly through the living room in a natural way, exchanging comments now and then with her.
"If you love me, let me go," goes the song in my head, and I sing it a bit without really thinking.  "If you love me, let me go."  Several times.
My voice fades out, and I hear footsteps coming down the staircase.  He enters the living room, full of life, as usual, lost somewhere in his own world that I somehow get to be a part of sometimes.  And he sings the song that must have been in his head for some time.  My heart stops when I hear the lyrics.
"Please don't let me go," he sings, hitting every note.
I don't look at him, but there's no reason to avoid his eyes.  He couldn't have heard what I've been singing-- there's no way.  And now there's no way he knows what he's sung in comparison to my subconscious words.
"Okay," my mind tells him.  "I won't."

7/31/15

"Amen," he finishes.  "Now," he starts to add, as our eyes remain closed, "focus on the Holy Spirit. And try to think of what God is telling you you need to trust Him with more."

I can't cry. My eyes are already wet.
I can't cry.

My friends.

There.
Fine.

...

Her.

The water floods like scars broke a dam, and that's it.  My mind shuts off.

I'm done with this.

to let go of a flashback

All those times
Forgetting you
I couldn't, though I wanted to.

day one.

That's where promises were made

And I'm where they were broken

Counting

I can't make anyone believe that they're worth it
So I cry out to You, how many times have you heard this?

I spend my time trying not to be angry with God
For making me so emotional, it just feels wrong
These are chemical reactions going off in my brain
I'd talk to people, but they don't feel the same
There's a lump in my throat and tears fill my eyes
Dad says happiness is a choice, but I've been choosing it for a while
The INFP articles don't tell me how to get rid of it
So I pray to God, and tell Him that I'm sick of it
Meanwhile people come to me with their problems on hand
And I can help fix them, but my own I can't understand
You're clouded from me, I don't know what to do
'Cause maybe I'd be alright, if I could just see you

Yes, I Am Perfect.

I keep on looking

Back and forth

I keep on searching

But I'm not sure what for

You are a miracle for the pessimist

The rise in a slowing song

And I wasn't sure how to handle it

Especially now that you're gone 

It's like I'm living in a train wreck

Well, that is, my mind

Sorting through the damage

And dusting off what's mine

People tell me I'm the friend who smiles

A steady girl, my feet in place 

I guess I've never told them I'm 

Like the wind inside a hurricane

I'm tugged back and forth 

I fall and I fly

I'm taken for granted 

I'm closing my eyes

Needing to be needed 

Like I need to help someone 

But there's no one I can talk to

So I don't see the sun

It's an endless cycle of give and repeat

Where my time and emotions are taken from me

I'm finding it harder and harder to breathe

Because no one understands me like you do, you see

And nobody listens or gets it at all

They think I'm on top but all I do is fall

They swear that I'm perfect, and it's all I can do

To not scream my heart out and tell them the truth

I keep telling myself that I know what is real

And I don't need them to all know how I feel

They don't validate all that goes on inside

My life is not based upon what they realize

And now, I'm only talking to myself 

Because at the moment I don't have anyone else

It's hurting like crazy, but God isn't deaf

I miss you more than I can bear, and it's not over yet

And she wakes up again and again,
The hours run dry into the night
And she drives it further and further
Trying to prove to herself she exists

The harder the goodbye
The sweeter the hello
They say

Right.

How long are you going to

Walk on your own

Smile for show

Sleep in your clothes

Forget you're home?

How long are you going to

Laugh when they ask

Glue on a mask

Then fail at that

And never come back?

You know he's coming back home, right?

Right?

Exhaustion.

Ethan has my pillow to sleep on
Isaac has my shoulder to lean on
And you have my heart, dear, so be strong

They told me wish upon a star
But I'm still here, and you're still far

Well, I guess you never knew
That my first dream did come true

Breeze.

I see him everywhere
Like a ghost that's following me
Or maybe I'm following him
But we're stretched across the sea

"Thank you, Jesus, for this food, and I pray that you would..."


Help him carry on while he is away
And help me be stronger still, day after day
And let him be safe, and let him be safe
Don't let him get hurt in any possible way
And help me rely just fully on You
Help me carry out the things you want me to
Don't let him worry about me, let him have a good time
Comfort him, Lord, let him sleep at night
Protect his heart until he gets home
Jesus, remind him he's never alone
Help him be the light that you want him to be
He'll shine in the darkness so everyone can see
And help him be strong
Make it not take long
And don't let him get hurt
And don't let him get hurt
These aren't just words
Don't let him get--


"...bless it over our bodies.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen."

My words fall flat behind her
And I am just the sister

Strength.

Today was really, really long
And I'd like to say that I was strong
But I don't want "liar" written on my card
And I don't think my words can stretch that far
Yet I swore to myself that I'd bear all the weight
So I keep breaking that oath every time I say, "I'm great!"
Because I'm officially a liar, and good at it too
I  was falling apart and not that many knew
But thank you to the ones that did
Though I still feel like a kid
Crying in the blanket cause I feel alone
Words from others don't help me now, I just wanna go home
And they keep saying I'm gonna be okay
And yeah, I know that's true, but it doesn't take away the pain
You're right, God's the only one that can keep holding me up
And I have always known that, and I also know I'm stuck
This is a beautiful test, we wouldn't see stars without the dark
And I pray to God I'll pass, but that doesn't mean it's not hard
I'm concerned most for you though, I pray that you stay safe
I pray that you would lean on God in every single day
I pray that He would carry you, and that you'd know it's Him
I pray that you would be okay, and never give in
And this post kept getting longer, just like my Saturday
So darling, happy Fourth, and Independence Day
But I am overwhelmed
In case you couldn't tell
I'm overwhelmed that no one else understands
And I'm overwhelmed with the way that I am
And I'm overwhelmed that I'm so far from you
And that I can't hold my best friend as long as I want to
And I'm overwhelmed that I can't go to the same college
And I'm overwhelmed 'cause this space is too small and
I am SUCH a liar every minute of every day
Because I promised myself everything, I promised myself strength


But we'll get there one day.

So don't fall in love,
There's just too much to lose.



Mayday Parade

My hands are sore
From tugging a rope
And pulling so hard
And trying to cope

I'm tugging the rope
I'm fighting for you
'Cause you're too hard to find
And too easy to lose

(it hurts)

I'm sorry dear, I hate this
You know I can't portray this
But I cannot escape this
I don't think you can break this

I'm quiet and I'm falling
I hear the echoes calling
The past just won't quit following
And the memories are haunting

Every time I see you it gets harder to breathe
So here I am, silently suffocating
Why does it hurt, and why do I bleed?
What if this isn't all that it's made out to be?

I don't understand how I could be what you choose
'Cause you're too hard to come by, and too easy to lose
It's like I'm standing with arms folded, saying, "Make your move."
Waiting for you to leave me, waiting to be used

Darling, it hurts, please take it away
I'm losing you every moment of every passing day
You're always here, but you never stay
I don't want these skies to be lonely and gray

Don't let me be--

please.

I'm a failure
Don't leave me again

I tried.

The Deep.

Here I am
Trapped and far
Willing to give anything
To be where you are

Down in the deep where lives are changed
Down where I left there not the same
Down in the deep where people praise
Down in the deep where I became

Down where I'd give anything to stay

Summer...

Some summers are spent
Lying in bed
Partying, watching TV
And hanging with friends

Sometimes you get bored
Like, "What's summer for?"
Then you lie on the sofa
Till they hear you snore

My summer's like
Nothing that I
Ever expected last year
On the drive

Now I'm choking on time
And trying to survive
And counting down days only
To again say goodbye

Laziness, no
More like, "where did he go"
And trying to distract myself
Until you get home

Dependent.

I'd better take those herbs
My day is about to go south

And I'm not gonna stand and wait
Not gonna leave it until it's much too late
On a platform, I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home



Coldplay

It's okay.

It's okay
You can leave me
You can leave me again
But as the bus drags you away
You're still in my head
And I'll wish you were here
All over again
Darling, I'll smile
'Cause I can pretend
But I just had to tell you
How hard it's been
You were gone last week
That was last time
And I was proud of myself
Because I did just fine
Until Friday, that is
Friday was hard
Watching a movie
Under the stars
But this is not about Friday
This is about now
And right now I miss you
So come on back down
Unless you wanna be there
Unless you wanna stay
And maybe I need you here
But darling, it's okay
Nah, I know you wanna be home
And we both need you to stay
But have fun with the memories
Darling, it's okay

I realize I'm laughing
Just so I don't cry
Like one keeps on breathing
So that he won't die

And I've learned how to hold my own,
Dear.

Forever Frozen Still

So I'll keep you
Right in my pocket like you said to
Holding you close until you come through
Even though I'll be alone
I'll wait for you to come home

I feel you trying to be strong for me
But you and I will have to wait


You can't break my
You can't break my fall.

Imbalanced

Let me sink into the ground
I won't ever make a sound
I won't ever make a sound
I won't ever make a sound

Away From Me

I remember watching.  The sky above me was vast and dark, with the distant orbs of stars providing the only light.  "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" played in front of me.  In front of all of us.  I loved that movie.  I loved the people around me.  I was filled with love.  But I wanted to cry.
You were so far.  I mentally reached out, trying to find you.  Your face, your smile, your eyes floated in front of my mind.  Memories played.  Words you said.  Things you did.  You.
I had done a good job not missing you too much that week, and you were coming back the next day.  Yet, it was so hard.
The sky above me stretched on, holding both of us underneath.  I needed you there.  I needed you.  I tried reaching. I needed you.  I would've given anything to have you by my side again.  I searched the stars, I searched the sky.  But the stars are too far, and the sky's too wide.

"Dawn is coming,
"Open your eyes."

believe

This is never gonna go our way
If I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind

Rock

I'm absorbing everything
So someone be strong for me

And.
Break.