In my mind I imagined the day you would find out
And all summer long, I held onto it
In my mind
I would explain to you all that happened
And the bravery it took, and just how strong they were
Why she wasn't there on Wednesday nights anymore
And I imagined
That you would be shocked, but understanding
And I'd tell you all these stories
And you'd be proud of your friends
All summer, I would hear news, and think of the day
I cannot wait to tell him everything

I fell through the floor
And some days I am still falling
I wake up in a sweat from a dream of her death
And she isn't even my mom, but she's gone
And I'm choking on every afterthought
I see it, I see it, I see it, I see it
I close my eyes but it's bleeding through
And her son has a lot of weight on one shoulder
I blink it away
It'll come back tomorrow

I remember when I was younger
I wanted to make a list of people who I was sure needed me
Her name was first
It was first
Well, had I made it, I would have scratched it off a long time ago
She's doing just fine without me
All of them are, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I cannot maintain anything, and I hate myself, and it crushes me
And I stare at my wrists and my arms and envision red lines
Over and over and over again
Mrs. Patton asks if being an introvert causes trouble for anyone
I raise my hand
I want to scream and run away
I want to cut off everyone
I wish I had never met anyone, because I get attached
Way too attached
And I connect to people and then I can't move fast enough and then they're gone and guess what?
I love them just as much when they don't want me as whenever they did
Nobody needs me
I linger

And I think to myself of my future
And I realize there's nothing there
I don't want to be anything
I cannot be anything
I want to be married, and then what?
My life is wasting away
And for heaven's sake, I cannot see straight
I cannot see
There's nothing there

Only Rebekah understands, and she lives an hour away
And when she comes back she just runs back and forth
Everyone at church wants her so badly
I understand
Do I get time with her?
Please?
I have to tell someone my life is falling apart
I cannot breathe
Please just don't let her feel like she's alone
She does everything, everything, everything
She should not be alone
She should not be alone

You asked if she was okay because you cared
You lived in the present because you were scared
You pulled at your hair because you got hurt
You've bags under your eyes because sleep is work
You can't answer their questions because you don't know
You stared at the ceiling 'cause you were alone
You rubbed at your heart because it was shattered
You sobbed in the shower because it mattered

When I was younger, and bad things happened,

I heard my mom and hers talking

About having to fit time to cry into their schedules

They always understood each other

 

One of them is gone now

And my mom tells me at the kitchen table

That she's scheduling time to cry later

We go in circles, don't we?

We just lose things along the way

swords

Algebra 2 test, I am ready to die
Can't hear a bloody echo but the screams in my mind
And I wish I could say sorry for my thousands of crimes
You're wearing Dad's old shirt to sleep and it's all only a lie

I'll come back alive to write on my grave
"Defender of the gossips and the kids who weren't saved"
I was the little girl who cared when you cried the night away
They're spitting venom at my heart, but it looks like lemonade

(I'm sorry)

Last year took a turn for the worse
I made it out alive, or so say the newspapers
But no one really asked, so I can't be all that sure
No one asks the questions to which they're sure they've got the answers

She dried his flowers and they're left in my room
'Cause I couldn't say goodbye, it all happened too soon
Steven's coming down the steps to comfort me and you
We're crying blood straight from our hearts and I think it's still pumping through

(It's over)

"Emily, it wasn't you, let it go," says the mob
But it's hard to let it go when someone else still holds on
Hard to imagine, isn't it? That the sword is still drawn
And I still feel it all over because the past isn't gone

Someone help me, my mind's a scary place
I know that she's gone, but I can still see her face
I'm blacking out now in the shower and I've got to escape
Because my brain still holds against me what I cannot erase

(Don't hurt me)

My older brother, and he isn't alright
But you figure no one is when you step into the light
We're hiding scars and silhouettes of the struggles in our minds
You wake up from another nightmare and they tell you that it's fine

Someone find me, someone find me today
I can't breathe in this ocean of unwanted space
I know they think that I am occupied from miles away
But I am begging for a lantern in this season of gray

(Please wake up)

And I won't see my sister at Fuze tonight
They tell me I'll forget, but it's branded in my mind
I'm just here to care about people and then be left behind
I wish that they could see the world from my set of eyes

Love, I don't know why you read this blog
I promise one day I will learn just how to move on
But I can't focus and my head is still saying there's something wrong
And I'm trying to be brave, but I'm not all that strong

(I'm sorry)

I'm doing chemistry instead of going to sleep
Someone remind me why I'm doing this, please
I'm coughing all night, a metaphor, I can't breathe
I just want to be loved, now my brain cannot see

And I try and I try just to get it all through
And I toss in my sleep 'cause I'm thinking of you
Where's my reason to live? I got lost in the moves
I hope Isaac can't hear me sob from his room

name

What if I lost my name,
What if it flew away?
I would notice it's missing,
But I wonder, would they?
No reason to go
Is a good reason to stay
Or it's the other way around,
So they say
But I make promises to the mirror,
And it makes promises back
Is it the words through the cell phone
Or through mouths that I lack?
Is it easy to screw up,
Or am I just good at that?
Do you cry out for help
With your head under attack?
I remember the days
When I saw it all through
Before everyone burst
And nobody knew
Are their eyes still closed,
Or am I out of tune?
Do they see that I'm screaming,
Or should I point that out, too?
You can't tell yourself
To stop bleeding
It stays with you like a song
I wonder how to keep breathing
I wonder what it's like to belong

Part II

My love, I look at the sky when I get home at night and exit the car
And I get so absorbed in all of the light and the shapes as I look at the stars
I always look for Orion and know he's taking care of me, just like you said
Because when two are apart they look at the stars so the distance might seem like pretend
One day we'll run away and catch the moon, right?
Much as I love this place, I wanna go
Maybe somewhere no one will have the chance to ignore us
Doesn't really matter, since with you I'm at home

There's this new Rob Thomas song on the radio,
It makes me wanna cry
I'm all for you, love, I'm sticking around
Long as I've got you by my side

Part I

You know, I've still got our picture sitting on my desk
I know this hurts me too much, but I'm trying my best
I mean, what do you say to the knife in your chest
When you're not sure if the hand responsible is yours or your friend's?
We could've tried harder
We should've got farther
Maybe we would've seen the sun had no one tried to play the martyr
But I wait in my agony
As you don't even look at me
I'm trying to compensate for your lack of words,
But I just hear myself when I speak
Do you know that it's killing me?
Do you remember your Emily?
Did you forget we were best friends
And did I drown in all your history?
Do you even think anything went wrong?
I can't say.
Now my sister's reading my whole family a note that starts, "dear Mom and Dad"
Glad she decided to share with all of us, but she's leaving and it's sad
You know, I try to keep my head up
And I'm trying not to choke us
When my sarcasm slips out, and I sound too bitter
When I throw down my plans and I call myself quitter
I realize I'm crying out in pain
I'm screaming out for help
Begging someone else to save me
'Cause I know I can't save myself
And I'm relating to songs I don't want to relate to
I know everyone can say, "I didn't mean to betray you"
I'm sure they most all have the right, but that's not what I go through
I can't be much more than this, I'm sorry I couldn't save you
After the mission-treat, I thought, "I'm alright but it'll get worse"
Well, those thoughts echoed into the future and now they're thoughts I've heard
Because I watched how this plays out and I've got to say, it hurts
But everyone says everything hurts, so I'll just say there are no words
My brain tries to find a way to blame myself,
Because I'm so tired of being mad
I'm so tired of having anything against anyone who messed up bad
I don't want to look at the girl who used to be my best friend and think, "remember what we had?"
I don't want to fall apart in front of people that caused nightmares in the past
So I try to turn it inward,
Maybe it's my fault they broke up
Maybe I said something wrong to a friend
Maybe I left someone in the dust
And maybe I'll make a list of all the reasons I'm to blame
Maybe I was born a blonde and maybe people never change
'Cause you can't do that forever, it doesn't work
So you just stick it out and don't examine your worth
You start relating to The Fray, you're not ashamed you fell in love
You lose a bunch of friends and you keep your head up.

I miss you at four in the morning
My eyes hurt with tiredness
I get on this phone since my head's too awake
But no one's posted on their blogs, so here I am, love
I don't imagine I'll make much sense
All I know is that I miss you
I've realized that I haven't known true warmth till I've been in your arms
Because I can kill my shivers with blankets,
But not really
For when I do that, my head isn't on your chest
Your arms aren't locked around me
I can't look up into your eyes
And thus, I am still cold
It sounds funny to say
And it's funny how we sound so sappy
But maybe that's only to the people who haven't experienced this, you know?
Because I'm not going to stand here and deny that you are now my only source of warmth
As close as I am with four in the morning,
It doesn't stand a chance to you
And now I'm only writing this
Because it makes me feel closer to you
My should-be-sleeping mind feels sick,
Just wanting you to be here
Since I see you all the time
And we hardly get to actually just be
And just talk
I don't know what I'm saying, love
But I really miss you, and eleven minutes have passed
Eleven closer to when I can see you again

Pepsi

Swiping through my pictures to find some to delete
Because my phone is once again "running out of space"
Just like my aching brain
Boy, does it ache
I'm thinking about less than six months
What do you say to someone whose mother is dying?
What do you say when the someone is your closest friend?
Your childhood playmate?
Your writing partner?
Your support?
There are no words.
So I pray until my head aches
Singing with a trembling voice,
"You give and take away"
And I'm thinking about Alex
A whole lot
I wonder what he did today
I hope someone hugged him for me
I hope he got smiles
I hope people realize how extraordinary he is
But I'm still swiping through these pictures
Deleting some of the ones of my puppy
I get my storage back, we're good
Then I come across a picture of you
And I freeze
It's a blurry picture
The room is dark
You're just sitting there, drinking your Pepsi
Nothing really, if you didn't mean the world to me
But I stare at this picture forever
That's when I start crying, love
Because you love, love, love
And I don't know what I did to deserve it
I think about how others perceive me and I think about helping Baylie and I think about Mrs. Vike and I think about being a better friend and I think about Hannah and I think about if Alex is alright and I think about Shelby and I think about missing people and I think about Rebekah and I think and I think and the world crumbles around me, but as I look at this picture of you, all I can think is,
"My steady."
Because troubled minds don't call for grammar, and that's what you are to me
My steady
My consistent
God is my foundation, but He gave me you, and you keep me sane
And to be honest,
I still can't believe I have you
So my cheek is still wet from the tears
Can't help but wish that you were here
Don't you dare ever think for a second that you don't make a dent in my crazy sadness
How could I do this without you?
Please go to sleep soon
My steady, I love you

It's so lonely in a house full of people
A school full of friends
A church full of people who care
It's lonelier than if
Nobody was there

"You can't keep that inside," they say
Okay, okay, then where do I let it out?
Nobody wants to hear all this crap--
A blog, yes a blog is the place that I found
Right?
So to that kid,
You know that there's hope for this, right?
And do you know that I struggle at night?
Hoping that you'll do more than survive
Begging you'll see the meaning to your life
And I pray for the day when I look at your face
And see that you're better than fine
'Cause we say that we're fine
Everybody's alright, right?
Everybody wants to be alive?
Right
Check, now here we go, down my path of broken hearts
Do you realize, friend, those sad songs remind me of our start?
Do you remember where to start?
What you ended a while ago?
I can't blame you, I must have made it difficult
Well now we're all happy that I'm alone
Alone?
No
I am just a kid
Living among several thousand kids
And no one said it would be like this
But would I know what they meant even if they did?
No
There we go
Answering the questions as they come
So maybe now here's something I know
The thing I do with people is that I show them right away
Just how much I care for them, I express I'm here to stay
When I put people in front of myself they believe that it should be that way
But I can't be there for everyone always
And so they turn and walk
Away
Bye bye
To the loves of my life
For forever, it was nice
While forever lasted
It was time
Says one side of my heart
But the other twists and turns and doesn't
Know quite where to start
And another thing--
Stop flirting with my boyfriend
That Joseph is mine, girl
Go get your own perfection
Dude, we walk in holding hands
What part of that do you not understand?
I ain't stupid, back off from my man
And look at me now, so typical-- hey, I know where I stand
Alright, calm down, Emily
People are like that, don't take it too seriously
Try to be gracious, remember what mercy means
Just overlook it, don't have insecurity
None
At all
Wish I wasn't so selfish
Wish I didn't need validation to feel like maybe I'm selfless
So sick of depression
I'm tried of waking up tired and wishing for things like perfection
I'm never perfection!
Yet I can't remember that, and I try once again and
It's almost an obsession
Get good grades, say nice words, brighten up, sending all the right messages
But I hate being fake, so where does that come in?
I don't care if the world knows I'm struggling
I don't care if they notice me stumbling
I'm crumbling
Every day
And that's not gonna change,
I need a Savior, not a face
So where does perfectionism come into play?
In fact, I'm fond of my quirks
Wear this stupid green watch, like "get how this works?
"I'm a fashion catastrophe, but watch me be confident nonetheless!"
Like an idiot rebel in confidence
But hey, I got it in that sense
Which is something that most people lack,
So stop reaching for perfection, you never had it,
And if you did, you'd never get it back!
And I'm no hero, either
I can't save people from the demons that they store upon their shelves
And here is the other thing
It took me years to learn, but now I know, I can't save people from themselves
They look at me differently
Like maybe I hold the key
Or maybe that's just me, but please get away from me
Only Jesus can save you, and I'll kill myself trying everything
Everything
Funny how despite how much I love people
How much I would give my life just to know they'll live theirs
They jump to conclusions
They get into their heads and decide I don't care
What's wrong with me?
Do I come off like that to everyone?
Do my "how are you's" say, "hey, we're done?"
When I wave hello, does it tell them to run?
And how hard should I try, right?
How long do I give my life
To do my best to make it right?
We all used to be so tight
Why am I thinking about it tonight?
Right?
Answer that one for me, genius
I'd better stop, I'm getting delirious

restart

We're having Thanksgiving without the Arzes this year
Because our older siblings have thorns in their hearts
When I try not to notice, it tears me apart
When I open my eyes then the pain's off the charts
So I find "middle ground" 'cause I say I outsmart
I do it so often, to me it's an art
You say there are reasons, I only see shards
But do you see the reason I only see shards?
I talk like I've processed this shipwreck so far
But every fiber within me is screaming, "restart"

Love

And as I listen to this song
I know all the parts she pauses
All the parts she stops to swallow
Before they even play out

I can see her bent over the piano
Shaking as she records it this time
I'm glad I was put in this reality
'Cause maybe I never knew her in another life

I read her writing all the time
She types out words as they devour her brain
Everything makes me wonder why
Why did it have to be her?
All of this pain, all of this pain,
Why did it have to be her?

I'm singing along to the song,
Only a couple words off
I wanna tell her "hold on"
But everyone says that

I believe in purpose for everything
But as a best friend
Almost a sister
I keep asking myself,
Why did it have to be her?

I curl up on the wood instead of the carpet

Because my aching limbs tell me I can't stay here indefinitely 

And so says my chemistry 

Lying uselessly on the kitchen table

Playing the part of the rain that causes the landslide 

Because rain would not destroy a stable foundation 

Yet my mind is a mess, so my heart found destruction 

It's not like I'd be alright if I had no chemistry 

I just might not be in the fetal position on my wooden floor

As I type this

Hunger gnaws on my stomach

Helps to distract from thoughts like

Why do I keep hearing Wonderwall on the radio?

And I hope I make a decent grade on my test tomorrow 

Also, I wonder how often she visits him at the cemetery 

Baylie better not be taking a walk by herself in this lack of sunlight

I wonder who would show up at my funeral--

I suppose by now I have defeated the purpose of my hunger

Since I write about my nagging thoughts anyway

What's the point?

It always comes back to that question

I hate to see people I love in awful situations

Especially if person a is hurting because of person b

And vice versa, mostly 

My life is a constant cycle of not being able to rescue people from their own house fires

And then attending their funerals

Believing I could have tried harder

"Because maybe

"You're gonna be the one that saves me"

He did say "maybe," didn't he?

(Another brutal thought)

I have this unforgiving urge
As I clench my pencil
To drive the graphite
Into my temple

I know there's light
But I can't see it now
Tomorrow I'll be fine
Get through tonight somehow

I know there's a light
I feel I've gone blind
In the morning, I'll be alright
So keep that in mind
When for only tonight
I say that I don't want to be alive
Because really, I don't want to be alive

Just for tonight

Rinse

This day last year I was with my loved ones

So the loneliness that plagues me can be explained

A lot can happen in a year

But what I can't explain is that I'm lonely always

I'm not sure I knew what I had until it was gone

Which is strange, but tell me, what do you do

When your muscles ache from trying, your heart's in the sink

And your loved ones no longer love you?

Don't clutch your hair tomorrow
You won't be able to let go
Don't lie down on the floor tomorrow
You won't be able to get up
Don't let your eyes get wet tomorrow
They won't be able to dry
Don't think about people tomorrow
You won't be able to work

Don't consider your grief tomorrow
You won't be able to stop
Don't press your nails to your skin tomorrow
Unless you want it gone

You see no meaning to your life
You should try
You should try













Coldplay

Wednesday

Something about Wednesday always gets to me
'Cause every hard thing catches up to me eventually
And what better time than the middle of the week?
Today I think about how everyone forgets me

(This is really selfish)

I can't get it out of my brain
They know I love him, but they're the ones that change
Did I ever push them away?
Not even once-- but now it's not the same

I don't belong anywhere except by his side
Which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't see them all the time
Reminding me of why I cry on Wednesday nights
Hoping that I haven't hurt anyone-- all I ever do is try

I've tried and I've fought
To be enough, but I'm not
I'm pretty much gone
So I pray that I'm wrong

And I pray they'll still love me
Because morning is coming
There's another day of facing
Instead of just running

Because I would just forget about it
Forget about them, pretend I don't notice
But I still love them so much, every last bit
And it isn't my calling to give up on all this



It just hurts really bad
Especially on Wednesdays
I just remember everything
And think of everything else
And I really just hurts
It hurts, hurts, hurts