"Me, Mom, and Rebekah all deal with the same thing."



Then why am I the only one who can't handle it?

Please say that you'll keep track of me

I know sometimes I'm hard to see

You make me never wanna leave

Please promise one day you'll believe 

I watch the TV turn off
Another movie is gone
And I am left with my thoughts
Just as I was in the first place
I wish it all didn't hurt
Seeing him, losing her
But that's the way that life works
Kicks you smack in the face
I know there's gotta be
Purpose eventually
He's up behind the scenes
But how it kills in the meantime
I put my hand to my chest
And it came back all red
I pull words out of my head
And this is what they sound like
She's got a few boxes
That I keep in my closet
I know all the contents
So tonight I just wept
And I'll say, "Nah, I don't care
"I was already prepared,"
But I'll have had nightmares
Since the day that she left
Don't know what I'll do without her
Though I've already lost her
But I do know it sure hurts
I just hope nobody listens
'Cause I don't know how to grow
And I don't what how this goes
And I don't know how to hope
I just know that I miss him
I hope he'll be okay
Just do that for me, dear
Till we can cry in each other's arms again
Try to believe that I love you
I don't know how to cope
Somebody throw me a bone
I try it all on my own
Help me, God, to give you
All the pain in my chest
Every fear in my head
Only You give me rest
That's my one truth
Because I toss and I turn
And worry till I about burst
I guess that I just don't learn
This is the hard way
I wish that I could move on
I hope one day I'll be strong
I've needed You all along
One thing that won't change
Because the tension is sharp
And it gets through to my heart
Now everybody is scarred
And I'm bleeding
Mountains grow in my throat
And my hands have gone cold
Jesus Christ, You alone
Keep me breathing

Time

"Just go to sleep, just go to sleep"

But I don't wanna have bad dreams

They're crawling up and down my sheets

Waiting for a chance to get me 

There are jars full of notes on my sister's desk

There are lumps in my throat and thorns in my chest

They give me a speech and say it's all for the best

But I wasn't listening for the rest

I'm lying here tearing down the visions in my mind

Of how it would be if we gave it some time

Maybe one day time will heal something, but not tonight

So now we just focus on staying alive

There's a note in my journal left by someone

It says that I helped her and she loves me so much

Well if you love me, then why did you run?

But it's not fair to ask that, so I just write it once

Sometimes I'm still crying in the corner of the tree house

Sitting next to you and wondering why

Gravity's merciless, hearts are confusing

And nothing stands the test of time

One day I hope you believe that you mean more to me

Than the hugs that you give and when you tell me I'm pretty

Maybe it'll hit you, maybe you'll see

You're a beautiful puzzle, and I love every piece

Off

Isn't it weird how something always happens?
We always have plans to be together
And something comes in the way
Right when I feel you're by my side forever

Maybe I feel that way because I'm a pessimist
Or maybe I'm actually right for once
Not that it kills us, we stick it all out
After all, not even death can stop true love

What's also weird is how I'm losing my sister
To confusion, to thinking, to college, to anxiety
It all slides in between the two of us
And I'm afraid they're a lot more powerful than me

Please don't fade away like she is
Don't break your heart on confusion and pretend that it's fine
Don't grow distant, don't let me lose you, look me in the eyes
And tell me you'll always hold on tight

Because we're past the sappy crushing stuff, and "oh please don't let go"
But suddenly everything around me is falling apart
And God is my hero, most of all, but I still need you
And your world is crazy too, so let's go back to the start

When Shelby didn't run away, and Ethan wasn't hurt
When there wasn't any tension between him and her
When my sister and your brother made stupid googley eyes
Just thinking about it, I'm starting to cry

When my best friend and yours didn't have to go through hell
When her mom didn't have a tumor, when she was in good health
When Rebekah's anxiety wasn't there and Alex wasn't going hours away
But we're stuck in all this chaos, so now I'm begging you to stay

Because nothing else in my life is constant anymore
Except my faith in God and my knees on the floor
It all blows around me, tugging on my hair
Like little Wendy Darling falling through the air

It's as though most of my nightmares are finally coming true
So I'm sorry for writing this, but I don't know what else to do
Tomorrow's only Tuesday, I hope I can get through
It's been days but feels like decades since I've been able to hold you







(So I'm trying not to scream at the ceiling
I've felt the hurt and disaster, now where is the healing
So doesn't it feel just a little bit off
That the people in these hells seem alright and we're not?)

Happy Love Poem pt. II

It got Hannah first.  The vicious beast chasing us killed her, but doesn't stop as it pursues us across the levitating hallway we sprint through.  At this point, I realize that Joseph has been separated from us.  I can't think about it too much, I only hope he's somewhere better.
It becomes evident that the only way out of this hallway is jumping from it at the exit, we are approaching. The ocean is below us, but there's a large rock the size of one's bedroom that we can possibly land on.
I wish I could say my heart is racing at this point, or that I'm full of adrenaline.  But I'm not.  I'm terrified, I'm in shock.  We leap from the hallway and land on the rock, and I know that we aren't going to survive this.  It's hopeless.
Baylie doesn't make it.  I don't know if she's killed by the monster or the fall, but she's gone.  Nick, Grace, Ethan, and I make pathetic attempts to avoid the beast's attacks.  But we know we're not getting out of this one.
There's a bamboo forest across the water a couple yards away, but alligators stand in the way, starting to climb to our platform.
"I'm gonna buy you some time," Nick shouts as water sprays up behind him.  "Ethan, just make sure to protect Grace."
I know he means long-term.
He launches himself towards the beast, struggling against it.  It works, we have more time.  Ethan protects Grace from the threats as much as he can, but... There's only so much one can do..
Grace is gone.
I don't know what happens, because the ground begins to shake violently.  I fall from the rock, down, down, until I don't know what's happening anymore.  Out of nowhere, I see that I'm inside of an old car, which is buried underground.
Suddenly, I'm flashed forward a day or two into the future.  I find myself with Rebekah and the Doctor.  He doesn't seem himself at all, however.  Probably too distressed.  Somehow I know that Alex has died, and we're here to find out how. Maybe.  We've come upon this large, vacant, parking garage filled with empty cars.  Old cars, too, looking like they've survived the apocalypse.
I discover Alex's sunglasses sitting on top of one of the cars.  I call over Rebekah and Eleven, and Rebekah picks up the sunglasses with a distant look in her eyes.  She and the Doctor begin talking quietly, and I wander off.  In a few minutes, I notice the car I remember being trapped in underground.  There are three bumps on the dash of the car, each blinking a green light.  Somehow I know that each of these is a voicemail from Joseph.  So naturally, I play them.
"Hey Emily, this is Joseph, where are you?  I got separated from the group somehow.  Are you okay?  Just give me a call back, when you get the chance."
"Emily, where are you?  The others are all dead.  I need to know where you are.  I love you.  Call me back."
"Emily, something told me to try one more time.  Please be alive.  If you are getting these, I need you to respond.  I love you."
All at once, I saw things playing out before me, though they weren't really there.  I saw Joseph on the phone, leaving the last voice message, sitting all alone without any sign of life around him.  The place in which he sat was desolate and post-apocalyptic looking, too.  After he left the message, he put his phone down and waited.  And waiting.  Then he put his head in his hands for a while.  Another moment passed, and he reached for the gun by his side.  I watched in agony as he placed it to the roof of his mouth and pulled the trigger.
Suddenly, I flash back to the current moment, and wake up inside the buried car, regaining consciousness.  I see the messages flashing on the dash and realize with terror that Joseph has just killed himself.  And there's nothing I can do about it.
The last thing I see is a bird's eye view of the scene.  It replays.  I see where Joseph sits, trying to call me.  Then I see the spot where I know my car is buried underground, not ten yards from him.  Then I watch again as he shoots himself, and I was only unconscious.








It takes me a long time to wake up from this dream.  Everything is fuzzy for a while, and I have a dream about telling my nightmare to Mom.  Then, thankfully, I snap out of it and sit up, hugging my knees and telling myself that he's still alive.

He's still alive.

You know what's funny is

How much I always worried about her

Now the footprints she left behind when she ran

Speak to me, saying

You were right, you were right, you were right