Part II

My love, I look at the sky when I get home at night and exit the car
And I get so absorbed in all of the light and the shapes as I look at the stars
I always look for Orion and know he's taking care of me, just like you said
Because when two are apart they look at the stars so the distance might seem like pretend
One day we'll run away and catch the moon, right?
Much as I love this place, I wanna go
Maybe somewhere no one will have the chance to ignore us
Doesn't really matter, since with you I'm at home

There's this new Rob Thomas song on the radio,
It makes me wanna cry
I'm all for you, love, I'm sticking around
Long as I've got you by my side

Part I

You know, I've still got our picture sitting on my desk
I know this hurts me too much, but I'm trying my best
I mean, what do you say to the knife in your chest
When you're not sure if the hand responsible is yours or your friend's?
We could've tried harder
We should've got farther
Maybe we would've seen the sun had no one tried to play the martyr
But I wait in my agony
As you don't even look at me
I'm trying to compensate for your lack of words,
But I just hear myself when I speak
Do you know that it's killing me?
Do you remember your Emily?
Did you forget we were best friends
And did I drown in all your history?
Do you even think anything went wrong?
I can't say.
Now my sister's reading my whole family a note that starts, "dear Mom and Dad"
Glad she decided to share with all of us, but she's leaving and it's sad
You know, I try to keep my head up
And I'm trying not to choke us
When my sarcasm slips out, and I sound too bitter
When I throw down my plans and I call myself quitter
I realize I'm crying out in pain
I'm screaming out for help
Begging someone else to save me
'Cause I know I can't save myself
And I'm relating to songs I don't want to relate to
I know everyone can say, "I didn't mean to betray you"
I'm sure they most all have the right, but that's not what I go through
I can't be much more than this, I'm sorry I couldn't save you
After the mission-treat, I thought, "I'm alright but it'll get worse"
Well, those thoughts echoed into the future and now they're thoughts I've heard
Because I watched how this plays out and I've got to say, it hurts
But everyone says everything hurts, so I'll just say there are no words
My brain tries to find a way to blame myself,
Because I'm so tired of being mad
I'm so tired of having anything against anyone who messed up bad
I don't want to look at the girl who used to be my best friend and think, "remember what we had?"
I don't want to fall apart in front of people that caused nightmares in the past
So I try to turn it inward,
Maybe it's my fault they broke up
Maybe I said something wrong to a friend
Maybe I left someone in the dust
And maybe I'll make a list of all the reasons I'm to blame
Maybe I was born a blonde and maybe people never change
'Cause you can't do that forever, it doesn't work
So you just stick it out and don't examine your worth
You start relating to The Fray, you're not ashamed you fell in love
You lose a bunch of friends and you keep your head up.

I miss you at four in the morning
My eyes hurt with tiredness
I get on this phone since my head's too awake
But no one's posted on their blogs, so here I am, love
I don't imagine I'll make much sense
All I know is that I miss you
I've realized that I haven't known true warmth till I've been in your arms
Because I can kill my shivers with blankets,
But not really
For when I do that, my head isn't on your chest
Your arms aren't locked around me
I can't look up into your eyes
And thus, I am still cold
It sounds funny to say
And it's funny how we sound so sappy
But maybe that's only to the people who haven't experienced this, you know?
Because I'm not going to stand here and deny that you are now my only source of warmth
As close as I am with four in the morning,
It doesn't stand a chance to you
And now I'm only writing this
Because it makes me feel closer to you
My should-be-sleeping mind feels sick,
Just wanting you to be here
Since I see you all the time
And we hardly get to actually just be
And just talk
I don't know what I'm saying, love
But I really miss you, and eleven minutes have passed
Eleven closer to when I can see you again

Pepsi

Swiping through my pictures to find some to delete
Because my phone is once again "running out of space"
Just like my aching brain
Boy, does it ache
I'm thinking about less than six months
What do you say to someone whose mother is dying?
What do you say when the someone is your closest friend?
Your childhood playmate?
Your writing partner?
Your support?
There are no words.
So I pray until my head aches
Singing with a trembling voice,
"You give and take away"
And I'm thinking about Alex
A whole lot
I wonder what he did today
I hope someone hugged him for me
I hope he got smiles
I hope people realize how extraordinary he is
But I'm still swiping through these pictures
Deleting some of the ones of my puppy
I get my storage back, we're good
Then I come across a picture of you
And I freeze
It's a blurry picture
The room is dark
You're just sitting there, drinking your Pepsi
Nothing really, if you didn't mean the world to me
But I stare at this picture forever
That's when I start crying, love
Because you love, love, love
And I don't know what I did to deserve it
I think about how others perceive me and I think about helping Baylie and I think about Mrs. Vike and I think about being a better friend and I think about Hannah and I think about if Alex is alright and I think about Shelby and I think about missing people and I think about Rebekah and I think and I think and the world crumbles around me, but as I look at this picture of you, all I can think is,
"My steady."
Because troubled minds don't call for grammar, and that's what you are to me
My steady
My consistent
God is my foundation, but He gave me you, and you keep me sane
And to be honest,
I still can't believe I have you
So my cheek is still wet from the tears
Can't help but wish that you were here
Don't you dare ever think for a second that you don't make a dent in my crazy sadness
How could I do this without you?
Please go to sleep soon
My steady, I love you

It's so lonely in a house full of people
A school full of friends
A church full of people who care
It's lonelier than if
Nobody was there

"You can't keep that inside," they say
Okay, okay, then where do I let it out?
Nobody wants to hear all this crap--
A blog, yes a blog is the place that I found
Right?
So to that kid,
You know that there's hope for this, right?
And do you know that I struggle at night?
Hoping that you'll do more than survive
Begging you'll see the meaning to your life
And I pray for the day when I look at your face
And see that you're better than fine
'Cause we say that we're fine
Everybody's alright, right?
Everybody wants to be alive?
Right
Check, now here we go, down my path of broken hearts
Do you realize, friend, those sad songs remind me of our start?
Do you remember where to start?
What you ended a while ago?
I can't blame you, I must have made it difficult
Well now we're all happy that I'm alone
Alone?
No
I am just a kid
Living among several thousand kids
And no one said it would be like this
But would I know what they meant even if they did?
No
There we go
Answering the questions as they come
So maybe now here's something I know
The thing I do with people is that I show them right away
Just how much I care for them, I express I'm here to stay
When I put people in front of myself they believe that it should be that way
But I can't be there for everyone always
And so they turn and walk
Away
Bye bye
To the loves of my life
For forever, it was nice
While forever lasted
It was time
Says one side of my heart
But the other twists and turns and doesn't
Know quite where to start
And another thing--
Stop flirting with my boyfriend
That Joseph is mine, girl
Go get your own perfection
Dude, we walk in holding hands
What part of that do you not understand?
I ain't stupid, back off from my man
And look at me now, so typical-- hey, I know where I stand
Alright, calm down, Emily
People are like that, don't take it too seriously
Try to be gracious, remember what mercy means
Just overlook it, don't have insecurity
None
At all
Wish I wasn't so selfish
Wish I didn't need validation to feel like maybe I'm selfless
So sick of depression
I'm tried of waking up tired and wishing for things like perfection
I'm never perfection!
Yet I can't remember that, and I try once again and
It's almost an obsession
Get good grades, say nice words, brighten up, sending all the right messages
But I hate being fake, so where does that come in?
I don't care if the world knows I'm struggling
I don't care if they notice me stumbling
I'm crumbling
Every day
And that's not gonna change,
I need a Savior, not a face
So where does perfectionism come into play?
In fact, I'm fond of my quirks
Wear this stupid green watch, like "get how this works?
"I'm a fashion catastrophe, but watch me be confident nonetheless!"
Like an idiot rebel in confidence
But hey, I got it in that sense
Which is something that most people lack,
So stop reaching for perfection, you never had it,
And if you did, you'd never get it back!
And I'm no hero, either
I can't save people from the demons that they store upon their shelves
And here is the other thing
It took me years to learn, but now I know, I can't save people from themselves
They look at me differently
Like maybe I hold the key
Or maybe that's just me, but please get away from me
Only Jesus can save you, and I'll kill myself trying everything
Everything
Funny how despite how much I love people
How much I would give my life just to know they'll live theirs
They jump to conclusions
They get into their heads and decide I don't care
What's wrong with me?
Do I come off like that to everyone?
Do my "how are you's" say, "hey, we're done?"
When I wave hello, does it tell them to run?
And how hard should I try, right?
How long do I give my life
To do my best to make it right?
We all used to be so tight
Why am I thinking about it tonight?
Right?
Answer that one for me, genius
I'd better stop, I'm getting delirious

restart

We're having Thanksgiving without the Arzes this year
Because our older siblings have thorns in their hearts
When I try not to notice, it tears me apart
When I open my eyes then the pain's off the charts
So I find "middle ground" 'cause I say I outsmart
I do it so often, to me it's an art
You say there are reasons, I only see shards
But do you see the reason I only see shards?
I talk like I've processed this shipwreck so far
But every fiber within me is screaming, "restart"

Love

And as I listen to this song
I know all the parts she pauses
All the parts she stops to swallow
Before they even play out

I can see her bent over the piano
Shaking as she records it this time
I'm glad I was put in this reality
'Cause maybe I never knew her in another life

I read her writing all the time
She types out words as they devour her brain
Everything makes me wonder why
Why did it have to be her?
All of this pain, all of this pain,
Why did it have to be her?

I'm singing along to the song,
Only a couple words off
I wanna tell her "hold on"
But everyone says that

I believe in purpose for everything
But as a best friend
Almost a sister
I keep asking myself,
Why did it have to be her?

I curl up on the wood instead of the carpet

Because my aching limbs tell me I can't stay here indefinitely 

And so says my chemistry 

Lying uselessly on the kitchen table

Playing the part of the rain that causes the landslide 

Because rain would not destroy a stable foundation 

Yet my mind is a mess, so my heart found destruction 

It's not like I'd be alright if I had no chemistry 

I just might not be in the fetal position on my wooden floor

As I type this

Hunger gnaws on my stomach

Helps to distract from thoughts like

Why do I keep hearing Wonderwall on the radio?

And I hope I make a decent grade on my test tomorrow 

Also, I wonder how often she visits him at the cemetery 

Baylie better not be taking a walk by herself in this lack of sunlight

I wonder who would show up at my funeral--

I suppose by now I have defeated the purpose of my hunger

Since I write about my nagging thoughts anyway

What's the point?

It always comes back to that question

I hate to see people I love in awful situations

Especially if person a is hurting because of person b

And vice versa, mostly 

My life is a constant cycle of not being able to rescue people from their own house fires

And then attending their funerals

Believing I could have tried harder

"Because maybe

"You're gonna be the one that saves me"

He did say "maybe," didn't he?

(Another brutal thought)

I have this unforgiving urge
As I clench my pencil
To drive the graphite
Into my temple

I know there's light
But I can't see it now
Tomorrow I'll be fine
Get through tonight somehow

I know there's a light
I feel I've gone blind
In the morning, I'll be alright
So keep that in mind
When for only tonight
I say that I don't want to be alive
Because really, I don't want to be alive

Just for tonight

Rinse

This day last year I was with my loved ones

So the loneliness that plagues me can be explained

A lot can happen in a year

But what I can't explain is that I'm lonely always

I'm not sure I knew what I had until it was gone

Which is strange, but tell me, what do you do

When your muscles ache from trying, your heart's in the sink

And your loved ones no longer love you?

Don't clutch your hair tomorrow
You won't be able to let go
Don't lie down on the floor tomorrow
You won't be able to get up
Don't let your eyes get wet tomorrow
They won't be able to dry
Don't think about people tomorrow
You won't be able to work

Don't consider your grief tomorrow
You won't be able to stop
Don't press your nails to your skin tomorrow
Unless you want it gone

You see no meaning to your life
You should try
You should try













Coldplay

Wednesday

Something about Wednesday always gets to me
'Cause every hard thing catches up to me eventually
And what better time than the middle of the week?
Today I think about how everyone forgets me

(This is really selfish)

I can't get it out of my brain
They know I love him, but they're the ones that change
Did I ever push them away?
Not even once-- but now it's not the same

I don't belong anywhere except by his side
Which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't see them all the time
Reminding me of why I cry on Wednesday nights
Hoping that I haven't hurt anyone-- all I ever do is try

I've tried and I've fought
To be enough, but I'm not
I'm pretty much gone
So I pray that I'm wrong

And I pray they'll still love me
Because morning is coming
There's another day of facing
Instead of just running

Because I would just forget about it
Forget about them, pretend I don't notice
But I still love them so much, every last bit
And it isn't my calling to give up on all this



It just hurts really bad
Especially on Wednesdays
I just remember everything
And think of everything else
And I really just hurts
It hurts, hurts, hurts

Sweatpants.

I'm shivering tonight
Not because my house is cold
But because I'm used to your warmth
I'm used to the safety I find in your hold

One day I won't have to shiver
One day I won't care what they think about us
Because let's face it, I'm writing this here for a reason
I love them painfully dearly, but I've had quite enough

Please take my hand
And get us out of here as fast as you can
This appreciative town won't miss us
Well, they'd miss you, but let me have one selfish plan

Just for tonight.

We can build a house in the forest
And live in the trees
We could move to some city
On the other side of the country

Or we could live in that house
The one that you showed me
Surrounded by water
Sitting there perfectly

Let's go start an orphanage
I know God means so much for us
Let's go to France
And show people love

We can find an island all by ourselves
We can claim it and name it and dig our own wells
We can spend a while away from everyone else
Where I can just hold you if you want to be held



But I'm still shivering
And you are too
Let's just breathe
We'll make it through

I'm dragging my feet these days
I feel these pains every weekday
The problems I face are always the same
You'd think I learn to handle them, I think they're here to stay
I must become the lion-hearted girl
I must choose to see the good things in this world
I get through every day, but I want more than that
I'm trying so hard it makes me wanna hurl

Rebekah bought me a meaningful stuffed fox
Now I hold onto it wherever I go
I kiss it on the head as if it understands my problems
I hold it to my chest as if it has its own
But whatever gives you therapy, right?

I want to hold you all night
Not because that's what couples do
But because I need to feel your heartbeat
Because it helps me to remember mine
It helps to get me out of my mind

I'll feel better if I catch up on sleep
I'll feel better after the end of this week
I'll feel better when you come home to me
"Say whatever it takes, just don't drag your feet."

I'm sorry that I lose it now and then and yell at my brothers
I'm sorry if I spend more time with some than others
I'm sorry if I don't say hi as soon as I walk through the door
I'm sorry that I have so much to apologize for
But I'm tired.
I'm just tired.
I can't be all everyone wants me to me
I can't even write real poetry
They never taught me to hope in Sunday school
Though they must have-- perhaps I just forgot.

Nobody's watching
Drowning in words so sweet
Mild is the water
Caught is the bird once free

I don't mind









Billie Marten 

"Me, Mom, and Rebekah all deal with the same thing."



Then why am I the only one who can't handle it?

Please say that you'll keep track of me

I know sometimes I'm hard to see

You make me never wanna leave

Please promise one day you'll believe 

I watch the TV turn off
Another movie is gone
And I am left with my thoughts
Just as I was in the first place
I wish it all didn't hurt
Seeing him, losing her
But that's the way that life works
Kicks you smack in the face
I know there's gotta be
Purpose eventually
He's up behind the scenes
But how it kills in the meantime
I put my hand to my chest
And it came back all red
I pull words out of my head
And this is what they sound like
She's got a few boxes
That I keep in my closet
I know all the contents
So tonight I just wept
And I'll say, "Nah, I don't care
"I was already prepared,"
But I'll have had nightmares
Since the day that she left
Don't know what I'll do without her
Though I've already lost her
But I do know it sure hurts
I just hope nobody listens
'Cause I don't know how to grow
And I don't what how this goes
And I don't know how to hope
I just know that I miss him
I hope he'll be okay
Just do that for me, dear
Till we can cry in each other's arms again
Try to believe that I love you
I don't know how to cope
Somebody throw me a bone
I try it all on my own
Help me, God, to give you
All the pain in my chest
Every fear in my head
Only You give me rest
That's my one truth
Because I toss and I turn
And worry till I about burst
I guess that I just don't learn
This is the hard way
I wish that I could move on
I hope one day I'll be strong
I've needed You all along
One thing that won't change
Because the tension is sharp
And it gets through to my heart
Now everybody is scarred
And I'm bleeding
Mountains grow in my throat
And my hands have gone cold
Jesus Christ, You alone
Keep me breathing

Time

"Just go to sleep, just go to sleep"

But I don't wanna have bad dreams

They're crawling up and down my sheets

Waiting for a chance to get me 

There are jars full of notes on my sister's desk

There are lumps in my throat and thorns in my chest

They give me a speech and say it's all for the best

But I wasn't listening for the rest

I'm lying here tearing down the visions in my mind

Of how it would be if we gave it some time

Maybe one day time will heal something, but not tonight

So now we just focus on staying alive

There's a note in my journal left by someone

It says that I helped her and she loves me so much

Well if you love me, then why did you run?

But it's not fair to ask that, so I just write it once

Sometimes I'm still crying in the corner of the tree house

Sitting next to you and wondering why

Gravity's merciless, hearts are confusing

And nothing stands the test of time

One day I hope you believe that you mean more to me

Than the hugs that you give and when you tell me I'm pretty

Maybe it'll hit you, maybe you'll see

You're a beautiful puzzle, and I love every piece

Off

Isn't it weird how something always happens?
We always have plans to be together
And something comes in the way
Right when I feel you're by my side forever

Maybe I feel that way because I'm a pessimist
Or maybe I'm actually right for once
Not that it kills us, we stick it all out
After all, not even death can stop true love

What's also weird is how I'm losing my sister
To confusion, to thinking, to college, to anxiety
It all slides in between the two of us
And I'm afraid they're a lot more powerful than me

Please don't fade away like she is
Don't break your heart on confusion and pretend that it's fine
Don't grow distant, don't let me lose you, look me in the eyes
And tell me you'll always hold on tight

Because we're past the sappy crushing stuff, and "oh please don't let go"
But suddenly everything around me is falling apart
And God is my hero, most of all, but I still need you
And your world is crazy too, so let's go back to the start

When Shelby didn't run away, and Ethan wasn't hurt
When there wasn't any tension between him and her
When my sister and your brother made stupid googley eyes
Just thinking about it, I'm starting to cry

When my best friend and yours didn't have to go through hell
When her mom didn't have a tumor, when she was in good health
When Rebekah's anxiety wasn't there and Alex wasn't going hours away
But we're stuck in all this chaos, so now I'm begging you to stay

Because nothing else in my life is constant anymore
Except my faith in God and my knees on the floor
It all blows around me, tugging on my hair
Like little Wendy Darling falling through the air

It's as though most of my nightmares are finally coming true
So I'm sorry for writing this, but I don't know what else to do
Tomorrow's only Tuesday, I hope I can get through
It's been days but feels like decades since I've been able to hold you







(So I'm trying not to scream at the ceiling
I've felt the hurt and disaster, now where is the healing
So doesn't it feel just a little bit off
That the people in these hells seem alright and we're not?)

Happy Love Poem pt. II

It got Hannah first.  The vicious beast chasing us killed her, but doesn't stop as it pursues us across the levitating hallway we sprint through.  At this point, I realize that Joseph has been separated from us.  I can't think about it too much, I only hope he's somewhere better.
It becomes evident that the only way out of this hallway is jumping from it at the exit, we are approaching. The ocean is below us, but there's a large rock the size of one's bedroom that we can possibly land on.
I wish I could say my heart is racing at this point, or that I'm full of adrenaline.  But I'm not.  I'm terrified, I'm in shock.  We leap from the hallway and land on the rock, and I know that we aren't going to survive this.  It's hopeless.
Baylie doesn't make it.  I don't know if she's killed by the monster or the fall, but she's gone.  Nick, Grace, Ethan, and I make pathetic attempts to avoid the beast's attacks.  But we know we're not getting out of this one.
There's a bamboo forest across the water a couple yards away, but alligators stand in the way, starting to climb to our platform.
"I'm gonna buy you some time," Nick shouts as water sprays up behind him.  "Ethan, just make sure to protect Grace."
I know he means long-term.
He launches himself towards the beast, struggling against it.  It works, we have more time.  Ethan protects Grace from the threats as much as he can, but... There's only so much one can do..
Grace is gone.
I don't know what happens, because the ground begins to shake violently.  I fall from the rock, down, down, until I don't know what's happening anymore.  Out of nowhere, I see that I'm inside of an old car, which is buried underground.
Suddenly, I'm flashed forward a day or two into the future.  I find myself with Rebekah and the Doctor.  He doesn't seem himself at all, however.  Probably too distressed.  Somehow I know that Alex has died, and we're here to find out how. Maybe.  We've come upon this large, vacant, parking garage filled with empty cars.  Old cars, too, looking like they've survived the apocalypse.
I discover Alex's sunglasses sitting on top of one of the cars.  I call over Rebekah and Eleven, and Rebekah picks up the sunglasses with a distant look in her eyes.  She and the Doctor begin talking quietly, and I wander off.  In a few minutes, I notice the car I remember being trapped in underground.  There are three bumps on the dash of the car, each blinking a green light.  Somehow I know that each of these is a voicemail from Joseph.  So naturally, I play them.
"Hey Emily, this is Joseph, where are you?  I got separated from the group somehow.  Are you okay?  Just give me a call back, when you get the chance."
"Emily, where are you?  The others are all dead.  I need to know where you are.  I love you.  Call me back."
"Emily, something told me to try one more time.  Please be alive.  If you are getting these, I need you to respond.  I love you."
All at once, I saw things playing out before me, though they weren't really there.  I saw Joseph on the phone, leaving the last voice message, sitting all alone without any sign of life around him.  The place in which he sat was desolate and post-apocalyptic looking, too.  After he left the message, he put his phone down and waited.  And waiting.  Then he put his head in his hands for a while.  Another moment passed, and he reached for the gun by his side.  I watched in agony as he placed it to the roof of his mouth and pulled the trigger.
Suddenly, I flash back to the current moment, and wake up inside the buried car, regaining consciousness.  I see the messages flashing on the dash and realize with terror that Joseph has just killed himself.  And there's nothing I can do about it.
The last thing I see is a bird's eye view of the scene.  It replays.  I see where Joseph sits, trying to call me.  Then I see the spot where I know my car is buried underground, not ten yards from him.  Then I watch again as he shoots himself, and I was only unconscious.








It takes me a long time to wake up from this dream.  Everything is fuzzy for a while, and I have a dream about telling my nightmare to Mom.  Then, thankfully, I snap out of it and sit up, hugging my knees and telling myself that he's still alive.

He's still alive.

You know what's funny is

How much I always worried about her

Now the footprints she left behind when she ran

Speak to me, saying

You were right, you were right, you were right

I see them a lot
Those hollow smiles and empty eyes
Of kids who secretly die inside
Keeping up some half-good disguise
Then they're gone
Leaving their images flashing across Facebook
And pasted onto telephone poles
With signs begging them to come home
It always hurts a bit inside
Reminding me of the few times
I've had to fight the urge to run
And leave this unappreciative town behind
Those are all the kids
That finally did
Leaving their parents in shock
And their best friends throwing up
Leaving their face all over the place
For me to see and stop and pray

But I was never supposed to see her.

You know why? Here's why
Because I introduced myself when she first came on a Tuesday night
Because she kept coming and because
She loved us and needed us and also because
She talked to me and came to me when something was wrong
And she always told me about her life
Even after we hadn't seen each other in a while
And because she was gonna make it and I was sure
She'd find her way
And because she wrote me a note in my journal
About how much she loves me and how much I mean to her
Yes, the very same journal that has a map of the world on it
Which is funny since logically speaking she could be anywhere in the world right now

And I try to tell myself that she is just hiding at some friend's house
Which is so possible, but so is a lot of other things
That I'm trying not to think about because that certainly isn't helping
But is anything? Am I? No, I'm certainly not helping
Two girls, yes, two girls I am trying to hold onto and shine a light for
Two teenage girls that I know needed help
And one completely falls off the face of the earth without a goodbye
And the other runs away from home, also without a goodbye
And the truth is that anything could have happened to either one of them
And I am lying safely in my bed because that's what I do
And what I don't do is make sure that she wouldn't have gotten to the point of running away in the first place
Because I should have said more
I should have done more
I should have said more
I should have said more

I hate every single car that isn't his
Silently willing it to drive away in shame
How dare you pass by in front of my window?
It's like they're playing stupid games

I had more to say

But I don't think I can word it



If I wasn't alive
She'd be happy tonight

I wonder if they ever hear me
Yelling at my wall in the middle of the night
Sobbing into the emptiness
And know their sister's not alright

I wonder if they ever worry
I wonder if that's the reason why
Isaac comes to hug me in the morning
When I'm still in bed a quarter to nine

It's why he asked if I was okay last night
Who am I kidding, he saw it in my eyes
No, my dear, I'm not alright
But I would never tell you, right?

Ethan comes to cheer me up with a frozen banana
He literally said, "eat it when you're depressed"
I guess being strong for them isn't working that well
I wish I knew I could say I was trying my best

But I'm sick and tired of her fake smiles
Something's always wrong, and I've failed as a friend
What's freaking wrong with me, why can't I fix this?
I'm losing my mind here, but I can pretend

I am always stressing my sister out
I'm sorry you have to drive us after Fuze, but I wanna see him
She tries to pretend that it isn't my fault
When you go to college, I won't be as big of a problem

Then there's her, the girl who fell off the face of the earth
Haven't seen her in weeks, I was supposed to see her every Friday
I try not to tell myself that anything could have happened
Even though anything could have, but it's no use to say

So I come home last night to another rule my parents made
Which wasn't that bad, but it still rubbed me the wrong way
Haven't heard from him, it's fine
I hardly slept last night

Give up on closing my eyes
Talk aloud in exasperation
I know why everything's so messed up
But that doesn't help my situation

"I wouldn't mind if I weren't alive"
But I won't say the words, 'cause I know it's a lie
"You've got a whole future ahead of you"
"Yeah, full of stuff that you don't want to do

Like putting your hands on a steering wheel,
Taking your drivers test, and a bunch of other tests
That determine your worth as a human being
Getting a job, paying tax, getting insurance--"

That's when it gets to the point
Where I have to tell my negative thoughts
To sit down and shut up, aloud
Then I close my eyes, it's worth another shot

Already prayed about it, God'll come through
Been out of enough Hells to know that that's true
But man, it just sucks, it really just does
Being emotionally impaired;
One day the rain will let up

selfish

Soap won't wash off sympathy
I see what I don't want to see
It's just a simple date, I plead
Erase it from my memory

I never wanted to say this, kid

But if you just shut your mouth and thought about what you did

We'd have a better relationship

But you find the spots I don't feel best and hit

Yeah, I know you're hurting too

Doubting just a thing or two

But can't you see my face is blue?

We're all in pain, isn't that the truth?

Why are you so tall?

Why is Rebekah always gone?

Why is she always so stressed out,

And why do you always tell me I'm wrong?

I find it hard to breathe as it is

I know that you do too and all

But kid, we've gotta work together

Before both of us up and fall

We're lashing out because we don't know what to do

Just two middle children, me and you

Our only sanity's leaving soon

But she's basically gone already, guess somehow we knew

But if this is how you like it, kid

I'll keep going to bed crying from all the weight I've carried

And you'll keep staring into the distance

Then you'll yell and you'll mutter and find more secrets to bury

But if you find you ever need me

I'll say, "Here I am"

I won't hold all this against you

I don't think I can

One, two, three

one

It swells in my head
It rips up my heart
I wanna tear my room apart
I wanna tear myself apart
I have run out of motivation to do anything
Except maybe jump of a cliff
Wouldn't say suicidal,
Just so over this
So over this
I know what I'm doing,
And then not at all
I feel like I'm flying
And that's when I fall
Stupid little pessimist
Mentally hurting herself
My pillow is freaking soaked
I just want help
If David questioned if You were there
If David called out in despair
Then consider this one of those cries
I know that You can hear this prayer
I just can't do this
I'm just done
Blowing up in
Three, two,

I wish there was someone to blame.
But I'm caught up in all of my checkmates
Wondering why it doen't get better
Why there is so much at my stake
It's selfish to think like this, I know
And ask, "Why is all this happening to me?"
So I write it into a corner
On a blog that no one reads

"And he's been getting into trouble at school,"
She says between sobs, "because he's so angry.
"He's a smart kid I know, he's good."
And I'm crying
"He says 'It's worse for me, I lost my only brother.'"
And she's sobbing, she's sobbing
And she lost two in one year
And I wish I'd disappeared
And over a year later, I'm still crying
She walked with him on the way to the campfire
And I walked
She was just checking up on him, I'm sure
She was just clearing things up
Getting something out
And she explained that to me, it was fine
(Wished I'd died)
So delicate
It's all so delicate

Rebekah's leaving
And everyone is congratulating her on her scholarship
They won't shut up about it
Everyone's pretending
But I know she doesn't want to go there
Maybe I'm the only one
"Congratulations!  You get to spend quite some time at least four hours away from the other half of your soul!  You know, the man you love with all your heart.  The person who completes you.  But hey, free college!  Isn't it wonderful?"
Shut your freaking mouth, you moron!
She doesn't wanna go!
Shut up!
Well, I'm the only one who understands her
And she would never say she doesn't wanna go
She knows what she has is a blessing
She is thanking God
But even more, trusting Him
That's more than I could do
She puts up with it well
Until she starts crying on the car ride home from the Allen mall
And I distance myself by looking out the car window
And concentrating on the lines in the side of the door
Because I'm not gonna cry
Even though I'm losing the only one who shares my convictions and understands what I think and can help me get closer to God because she knows the way I think and loves and honors Him above all else and goes through similar things because she's a teenage girl too and oh yeah the fact that I'm losing her is just fine.
It would help if Ethan helped
He's understanding sometimes
But he mentions Connor or Nolan and I groan
And he goes all, "Why do you hate all my friends?"
And I get it, but it makes me want to punch him in the throat
Because I don't
And I am literally the only person defending said Connor or Nolan when my friends are around
Because they bash them
All the time
"No no, he's nice."
"No Emily, you're an idiot."
Okay fine.
Ethan is doing a good job
Just doesn't give me enough credit and goes over the top
It's fine
He's hurting, too

I pray for Mrs. Vike every night
She's almost like another mom to me
I love her
I pray for Shelby every night
She was touched when I told her
Said it was the first time
There's more I pray for every night
Nothing happens
I'm not losing faith, it's just hard on me
"Everything's hard for poor Emily"
Whatever.

I don't want him to lose faith if his plans don't work out
I don't want the fact that I'm emotional to make him shout
If I trust too much and then I get carried
If Mom and Dad had a fight that made me not want to get married
If I loved him for years that always still haunt me
If when I cry I think he'd never want me
If he saw me
What am I supposed to do with all that?
I mean, it's not like I'm gonna go turn my back
Maybe I love him too much, and made myself vulnerable
This could go either way, hope it goes beautiful

They keep saying things that I know hurt God
They keep watching things that I know are wrong
What kind of person does it make me if I say nothing?
Does it make me accepting, or afraid that they'd shun me?
No.
I'm not afraid.
Well, of course, I'm afraid they'll leave me
But if it's because of my beliefs
Screw them.
It does get awfully lonely
I know everyone isn't gonna see eye-to-eye with me
I just feel like they'd know some more about what's not right
Instead of brushing it off and saying it's fine
It's like I'm all alone
No one sees things like I do
Except Rebekah
And guess who's going to college soon
They just don't care enough
I mean, it's not like they'll all become completely perverted
But God told us to do everything in faith
And if it doesn't honor Him, it's prolly not, I'd venture to say
That's not foreign to them
Probably
I'm just trying to be a good friend
I mean, they know where I stand
But as far as they're concerned, it's just in the "naive" section

Trying.
That's me.
I'm always trying.
This afternoon will be better,
Tomorrow will be better,
This weekend will be better,
Next week will be better,
Summer will be better,
Next year will be...
Worse..
My pessimist side readily kicks into action to rescue me from all forms of hope!
Yay!
I'm probably the nicest bitter person that I know.
I'm not bitter at the world, this world is beautiful
I'm just bitter at...
Something...
Life is hard, but I know it's worth it
I just don't want to exist when people get mad at me
You should try hearing what goes on in my head when people get mad at me
You'd probably cry.
Actually no, you wouldn't cry, because you're just a blog
A lonely blog
That's okay, I'll be your friend

This was supposed to be somewhat poetic.
Maybe it was earlier.
I guess I've been holding in a lot.


Well, tomorrow will be better.

He stops right in front of the door
And listens a little before
Before he knocks, he must make sure
That I'm not crying anymore

Blind.

It was just a little
Shortsighted
Don't need to scream
Don't need to cry

That is all